Coupons from the Edge

2011-12-27T08:25:00.003-05:00

GENE WILLIS

1915-2011

Gene Willis, 96, of Hot Springs passed away peacefully on December 17, 2011.

Born on November 23, 1915, Mr. Willis was the son of the late Ted and Helen Woolery Willis of Champaign, Illinois.

Mr. Willis was a 1936 graduate of the University of Illinois, as was his wife Mary Cunningham Willis, who predeceased him in 2007. The two lived in Chicago until the outbreak of World War II when Gene joined the US Navy officer corps. He completed training at Columbia University and served on the USS Valencia in the Pacific throughout the war. Mr. Willis had a long career with Graybar Electric in Illinois and later in Little Rock, where he and Mrs. Willis moved in 1961. They were parishioners at Holy Souls Catholic Church and Gene was an active member of the Little Rock stamp club. Gene was a true “Officer and Gentleman” who taught family and friends life lessons through personal example.

He is survived by his son, Brian Willis and his wife Joyce of Hot Springs; daughter, Rebecca Willis Motew of Massachusetts; grandchildren, Brittany Willis Evans, Jeffrey Motew, Matthew Motew, and Melissa Motew; and three great grandchildren.

cuteness

2011-12-01T18:47:00.003-05:00

380790_2784732983328_1408375377_33034388_2084111616_n.jpg

You Know What

2011-10-02T20:11:00.003-04:00

"Our room was very tidy, sheik, and modern."

"The job was horrible every day and my moral was dropping rapidly."

"I won various trophies and plagues" for my cheerleading accomplishments.

"At my wedding, people kept taping on their glasses."

"We went out that night and ate a restaurant."

Serenity, though crowded, at Giverny in June

2011-09-20T09:43:00.001-04:00

Hydrangeas or Azaleas--Which are More Beautiful?

2011-09-06T11:01:00.003-04:00

I can't choose. Obviously, I don't have enough to do, which will change tomorrow when school starts.

Sales on Rue de Rivoli

2011-08-27T09:34:00.001-04:00

From Authors Guild Bulletin (spring 2011)

2011-08-19T17:19:00.002-04:00

"Ron Chernow's Washington biography has 904 pages and a $40 price tag. At a signing at a Manhattan Barnes & Noble, PW (Publishers Weekly) reported, a customer 'bought some 10-plus-copies--to hand out to participants in an upcoming pheasant hunt."

Horse Whispering

2011-08-08T10:56:00.001-04:00

Haggling under the Eiffel Tower

2011-08-04T16:28:00.000-04:00

Home

2011-07-05T20:42:00.002-04:00

Home is where you live. It's what you know.

It's where you come back to and what you are inside when you get there.

You don't need a dictionary for it.

You don't need a travel book.

You don't have to look up words to find out what you want to say.

Home is who you are and no matter the treasure left behind, you're glad to be back.

Omaha Beach, Normandy

2011-07-01T08:09:00.000-04:00

Monet, Van Gogh, and moi

2011-06-28T03:39:00.001-04:00

Bath Tub in a Store Window Near Sarkozy's Residence, Wedding on the Pont Alexandre, and Oscar Wilde's Grave (to my right)

2011-06-21T03:14:00.004-04:00

Luxembourg Gardens, Les Fleurs, a Bar of Interest, and a Rainbow

2011-06-14T03:31:00.000-04:00

Hitch-hiking Nuns, the Sorbonne, and Gargoyles at the Carnavalet

2011-06-11T10:32:00.003-04:00

Sometimes I Don't Know Where I Am But It's All Good

2011-06-08T16:09:00.001-04:00

It's Heaven but My Feet Are Killing Me

2011-06-06T15:05:00.001-04:00

Montmartre

2011-06-05T00:49:00.000-04:00

Paris

2011-06-03T01:56:00.002-04:00

London

2011-06-01T04:56:00.002-04:00

Ready to Go

2011-05-23T11:30:00.001-04:00

Leaving this week for Les Vacances. London first, then Paris.

Am I really saying that?

Happy New Year

2011-01-16T20:33:00.000-05:00

The Jets suck.

I am going to France.

love,

Taking a Break

2010-08-29T09:49:00.003-04:00

I'm going away for a while, dear reader.

I need a break.

I feel like I'm starting to say the same things over and over again, you know?

And I don't want to do that. It's time to fill the well.

I'll be thinking about you, though.

A bientot

love,

becky

Mirrors

2010-08-25T11:32:00.007-04:00

MIrrors are tricky. They can ruin your day. Shown here, Stepford Woman just prior to stoning death.

The mirror in my guest room is a treasured possession. I never look haggard in it, probably because the lighting is poor. Poor lighting is crucial. Don't forget it.

The mirror in my bedroom is balanced on a stack of books and so is a bit cockeyed. This gives me an optimistic start to my day.

Mirrors in optical shops can give you a heart attack. Don't go in there. What is it that you want to see anyway? The mirrors in these joints--Lenscrafter, etc.-- have excruciating honest lighting. Convert to Catholicism and go to confession if you want to share all your faults. .

The rear view mirror in the car is flattering. One reason is that it doesn't show all of your face. Also, it doesn't show your neck at all. Who knew the neck would turn out to be your worst betrayer. If you go from the car mirror into an optical shop, don't say I didn't warn you.

Department store mirrors are okay. The lighting is fluorescent or artificial or something. They don't insist that you look at each plague pustule in detail. Macy's mirrors are generally okay. Some of them actually make you look thin. I think this is explained in a little known corollary of Einstein's relativity theory (tjmxx=fu2) and has to do with gravity and time and other scientific data such as wishful thinking. WHen you buy that odd daring item, it never looks as good in any other mirror.

This is how I think I look. By the way, I used to have plates in this pattern. Damn!

This is how I look at Lenscrafter.

Five-way or three-way mirrors can be frightening. That's when you see what your stomach has been doing behind your back. Good God! Also, I sometimes find my nose exceptionally beaky in these reflections. Is that my ass? I'm sure it isn't. And that can't be how my hair looks in the back. When did I get that big crop circle on the top?

Makeup mirrors are excellent. They make every woman look like Grace Kelly or Elizabeth Taylor. What's not to like? I don't have one of these. I don't believe in Santa Claus either.

They say the camera adds ten pounds and it's true. The side view, even with the stomach sucked in, can be a throat-clutching moment. You may need to sit down. Stay there. Most everyone looks better sitting down

The best way I know to fight these problems is denial.

That can't be how I look.

A bientot
love,becky

I'll Miss You When You're Gone

2010-08-20T09:27:00.005-04:00

My guests were great fun and wonderful to be with.

This pic is from another trip. Until John (in white cap) sends me the current one, it will have to do.

Do I look like a lush here? Don't answer that.

Dr. Neil.

Doing exams or cleaning the barbecue? You choose.

The power!

The awesomeness!

Life is different with gloves!

Also when you dress like a jester!

What do you have to do to get a cup of coffee here?

See that box of candy on the table? It is now gone. Consumed. Inhaled.

FOOD LEFT AFTER GUESTS HAVE GONE:
Brie (oops, forgot to serve)
Cheddar cheese
2 bags Tostitos
one half carrot cake
one third egg casserole
cream cheese
cream cheese spread (left by glove wearer)
dead fruit
half pound turkey breast (never served, never offered, never thought of once)
one half lasagne (now frozen)
three bottles wine (will never last)
beer (will still be here on CHristmas Eve, my next dinner party)

Am making transition to real life, dear reader. Observation so far: it sucks.
More later.
A bientot,
love,
becky

House Party

2010-08-15T09:12:00.005-04:00

Stay tuned for exciting details, dear reader! Who will squeeze the toothpaste wrong? Who will leave dirty underwear on the floor?

That white couch in my house would be streaked with burrito stains in ten minutes. And I don't even eat burritos. I love formal attire, though. I like the smiley guy on the couch who already has his coat off. HAS HE GOT HIS LEG UP ON THE WHITE COUCH? It's okay, I'll let him.
A bientot
love,
becky

Good god, more mugs!

2010-08-09T09:53:00.003-04:00

In keeping with my own "mug" tradition of souvenir purchasing, I brought home this one from Frank Lloyd Wright's estate, Taliesin. It's not bad. It's not what you would call "generous," though. I wouldn't use it for my morning coffee. I'll save it for "good," as my mother would have done. I'll palm it off on a guest. I have a few of those rolling in at the end of the week, so it's perf!

Because cabinet space is limited here at Camp Becky, I decided against a mug on my recent Cape Cod sojourn and opted instead for this necklace. Tres charmant. Necklace shown on bedside table, which has been cleaned off for the first time in four years. My guests will actually be able to put down their car keys and spare change, etc., and will never know how close they came to being buried in junk.

In other news, certain families are enjoying new diversions.

An eager patron can be seen here.

And here. Early reviews say thumbs up. Ze Sand Box is visible too.

I was trying to teach Maeve (the older one) to do Knock Knock jokes and could only remember one.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Sam and Janet.

Sam and Janet who?

Sam enchanted evening........

Chitta boom. Maeve didn't get it, but loves doing knock knock anyway.

Cleaning, cleaning, and cleaning, dear reader. Am going to Berkshire Theater Festival this week to see Babes in Arms, so that will be one break in the action.

A bientot

love,

becky

Cape Cod

2010-07-31T21:17:00.006-04:00

I took precious few pictures on this recent trip. See if you can pick the new ones, dear reader.

1) This dog leads a good life. If you don't like your Cape Cod Bagel breakfast sandwich fragment, just spit it out in the back of the Lexus and hold out for better. Show some standards. Walk away from peasants holding cameras.

2) Try to blend in with friends. Stay in the background. This is hard for me.

3) Dining at the Landfall, me wearing industrial dominatrix jewelry for no reason.
(EDIT: One more try! Can you see it?)

4) Some church

5) Salad Nicoise on the deck in Falmouth. I ate this in its entirety, after consuming vast quantities of muffins throughout the day. In fact, you could have called it The Muffin Visit.

6) Sippewissett atmosphere or Italian villa. You make the choice.

7) Some other church

8) They're still building new condos at the Cape.

9) Number Ten Downing Street or security guard at Hannaford's? This is how I learn to deal with students.

10) I have to be so careful sunbathing at the Cape. It's a good way to dry your nails, though.

11) Be darn sure you know the way to the beach.

12) Employees of the Month at Stop 'n Shop Hyannis.

13) Woods Hole senior citizen.

I'm sorry, dear reader, but the muffins are threatening to overtake the blog today, the same way they overtook the vacation. It was delicious fun.

Next? Two weeks of cleaning, perhaps doing my syllabus (GROAN) and preparing for Wild House Party. Later.

A bientot

love,

becky

Chicago, Champaign, and Madison

2010-07-25T00:19:00.003-04:00

This is what you see out the window in Illinois.

Corn, baby! Lots of it!

As high as an elephant's eye, I'm pretty sure.

But at Milennium Park in Chicago, you turn around and see this.

This guy spits at another guy. You have to be there. It's also great when you get sprayed if it's 95 degrees, which it was.

Then you drive a ways and get to your U of I alma mater and pose late at night. U of I is way cool, dear reader.

Here I am in an earlier shot in front of the student union. I love it there.

It's stately and majestic. We were ready to test it against the University of Wisconsin. Badger Fever!

U of W is cool because it's the state capital.

You can take a tour and find out it was the thirtieth state, named for President James Madison, who had recently died.
"Forward!" is the motto.

Look in and see the idealistic citizen taking the tour in air conditioned comfort.

They don't have a grand quad as U of I does, but they do have a way cool Terrace, which looks like a resort. Students sit there and look out at Lake Mendota.

Here are two of my acquaintances enjoying the day on the U of W campus. We managed to pound down two pitchers of beer.

I don't even like beer.

But it was cooleo way fun to do. I sacrifice when I have to.

You can visit the Frank Lloyd Wright estate near Madison, which is called Taliesin. If you have read LOVING FRANK, you are waiting for them to tell you in which room was the grisly murder, but they don't.
It's still very interesting, including this piece of a roof which is fighting with the tree for survival.

When you are in Wisconsin, you must eat cheese curds. They are very delicious and they squeak when you eat them. This purchase did not make it back to Illinois.

More later, dear reader.
I am in the middle of Humongous Huge Vacation Travels.
love
becky

Trivial Pursuit Reunion

2010-07-17T09:19:00.004-04:00

Time since last match: 15 years, we think.

Some brain cells? Diminished.

Others: sharp as ever.

Items forgotten in the fridge by Becky and never served:
brie
grapes
homemade mango salsa

We play men against women. It's vicious.

Wanna know how vicious?

Years ago, the question asked the identity of a famous New York Giants quarterback. We couldn't remember if it was Y. A. Tittle or Tuttle.

THEY WOULDN'T GIVE IT TO US.

Okay? Get it?

Does that set the tone?

Hardy har. They love thinking about that. Just look at them. God, we showed 'em, didn't we?

Sometimes the subject veers off a bit.

Ahem.

Last night the women were asked a series of questions about Supreme Court Justices.

Yeesh. What are we, freakin' lawyers? We got off to a slow start. Shown here a very bad photo of our icon--some old defeated hippie skank playing a guitar. You can't get the wedges into these new icons so we also used an old one and hauled it around next to the new one. It was like having a whole bunch of bratty missionary kids trailing after you. Trust me, you had to be there.

Things finally picked up for us.

There was some inter-gender fraternizing at times.

One question was: "What does DSL mean?" The girls tried to suggest that it was the monogram of Yves St. Laurent's (YSL) little known younger and more tech-savvy brother, Doug (sometimes called Dan'l by law enforcement--he brought the Internet to outlying areas).
Well, shit.
They didn't buy that either.
One of our questions was about which Supreme Court justice performed Rush Limbaugh's goddamn marriage ceremony. I encouraged my team to answer Sandra Day O'Connor and so we got it wrong (Clarence Thomas).
I ate too much and couldn't get to sleep till after 4am.
It was wicked fun.

Tomorrow I am off to the midwest.
Never have I Lived the Dream so fully, dear reader.
love,becky

Ole!

2010-07-12T08:04:00.005-04:00

And now for some World Cup analysis.

Um.

Er.

I think....

Well....

The truth is I watched half an hour of the whole thing.

That half an hour did happen to be the final game between Netherlands and Spain (victorious Spaniards shown above). As usual, the action went something like:

A few people kick the ball and EVERYONE RUNS THRILLINGLY DOWN THE FIELD.

Then the goalie comes out and stops the ball, kicks it, and EVERYONE RUNS THRILLINGLY IN THE OTHER DIRECTION.

Repeat for one hour while the game remains scoreless.

I thought I was watching the Lakers give acting performances half the time.

ARE YOU BLIND?

WHAT A TERRIBLE CALL! I think I read that something like eleven "yellow cards" were given and those are for unsportsmanlike conduct or not following the rules or things like that. They're not given if you have bad breath. You have to inadvertently kick your feet in the air and pound someone full-force in the chest. Then you would get one.

The game was decided on an after-match free kick. That doesn't seem right. The commentary was frequently dulled by the horrible penetrating sound of the vuvuzelas.

Instead of hearing crowd noise, you heard this tremendous reverberating, well, what would you call it, a dial tone?--you have reached 1800ATRILLIONMOSQUITOES --that threatened to drown out the deadpan unexcited announcers.

"Yes, you can see the enthusiasm."

"Oh yes."

"Zimfkdjetk inbounds the ball and almost gets a goal on that one."

"You can see the enthusiasm."

Yeesh, you'd think you were at a golf match, although at least the golf announcers get somewhat worked up.

Why don't Americans care about the World Cup? It doesn't make sense. We love sports. We are totally into it. Our kids play it from an early age. People are always saying that soccer interest is going up and up. Is it? I'm not aware of it.

THEORIES ABOUT WHY AMERICANS DON'T CARE ABOUT SOCCER

1) We're not that good at it.

2) We didn't start it.

3) We can't keep track of all those countries and are too lazy to look up spelling of vuvuzela.

4) We have too many sports as it is. It's too much to follow.

5) The history isn't there. The rivalries aren't there. So it seems boring.

6) I can't think of another one.

I am off on further travels, dear reader, but I will keep you posted on the Great Yogurt Dilemma. Meanwhile, we should all rejoice that some things are the same the world over.

A bientot

love,

becky

YO!

2010-07-06T10:22:00.002-04:00

I can see the strategy the company uses. First of all, they remain calm. Everyone is calm. No one goes, "OHMYGOD, that was in your MOUTH? YOU ALMOST SWALLOWED IT?"

Words never used in phone conversation:

1) "lawsuit"
2) "sue"
3) "punitive damages"
4) "lawyer"
5) "pain and suffering"

The customer rep was very pleasant and professional. You would have thought we were discussing menu ideas. She did ask me if I was okay.

"You're okay, aren't you?"

I had to say yes.

She asked me if I still had the container. I said yes to that too. I am a genius and don't forget it.

Then she asked me if I still had the top.

The tinfoil top?

Yes.

Uh, no. I don't have that.

GOTCHA. She didn't say that.

The upshot is I have to mail the gizmo, the little doohickie thing itself, back to them. My son says it looks like a nozzle.
The woman said they have many many metal detectors on the assembly line, so they want to know how this thing got through.

Yeah.

I did say well, good thing I didn't give a spoonful to my nine-month-old granddaughter.

I think there might have been a pause.

Years ago, before the colonoscopy became a regular fun part of medical check-ups, they used to give you this little kit to take home. It was for you to mail a stool sample to the lab.
I am not kidding. They gave you a little wooden popsicle stick for it. For the , uh, sample, or I guess to handle the sample. I never was able to bring myself to do it. [anybody still want to go into the postal service?]

Anyway, they are sending me a kit for this, too. It's reminding me of the other kit, though there won't be a popsicle stick in it.

Nothing is going to happen from this, I can just tell. Even though I deserve the General Foods Good Citizen Award at the very least.
A bientot
love,
becky

Extra!!!

2010-06-29T07:06:00.001-04:00

A Customer Care Specialist has contacted me!

Yaay!

The note says that because "this issue requires a substantial amount of information for follow up, we look forward to speaking with you directly," and I have to call their 800 number.

More to come!

Shocking

2010-06-27T08:05:00.003-04:00

Imagine yourself at 7am, dear reader, enjoying a delicious container of chocolate raspberry-flavored "whipped" yogurt.

You become aware that there is a big metal object in your mouth.

What?

What the----?

In my case, I immediately think it is a tooth or a crown or some huge expensive dental partial that has come loose. But no. There it is over in the corner. See it? It looks something like the top to a salt shaker, but smaller.

There it is. I'm not a good photographer, but there it is.

I have written a letter.

That's all I will say. I am not a litigious sort of gal, but I don't think it's right to put metal gizmos in your yogurt.

IN OTHER NEWS:

I have to lose two pounds. It's most tedious. They have been on me since Arkansas. I can't get under them. And July is going to be one gala calorie fest, so I need to do it now.

Old coupon pals Dick and Dana at a recent reunion. Dick was my boss and the wise purveyor of wisdom in so many areas.

"They cool off fast" (hot sales prospects)

"Meeting the deadline is like trying to get a herd of cows through a doorway."

"If you wait long enough, all problems will go away."

I know this last one sounds potentially irresponsible, dear reader, but he didn't mean it that way. And it is true. And if you wait really long enough, we'll all be dead anyway.

Dana had sayings of her own, such as "doing a Jesus." That's when you are sitting at McDonald's having coffee and you remember something or someone very important that you forgot to get into the mailing. "JESUS!" I think she may be still doing them in her present job.

Me, I am living the dream for now. All thoughts of bloopers are far away.

A bientot

love,

becky

Okay, so on that note I am off to a family jaunt.

Green Blues

2010-06-20T09:18:00.002-04:00

Doc Rivers desperately tries to call Fenway Park for a decent hot dog. Or a recording of "Sweet Caroline." Or something.

Not to bitch, dear reader. Not to complain.
Before starting the cliche-fest (you can't win them all), let me just say that we don't like the Lakers. We intensely dislike them.
But as I have noted before, at least they are not the Yankees.
Those guys we do hate.
And we won two years ago. That was sweet.

These are Hungarian acrobats who provided entertainment in LA during half time.

Dr. Freud? Are you there?
Can you turn up the World Cup radio program, please? This basketball thing is boring.

All these pix are from the Boston Globe (THANK YOU!) and this one identified these two people as celebrities. I can't remember who. The guy looks a little bit like a very aged and wizened Henry Winkler. The girl must be his niece, I guess.

Anyway, it's time to get over the loss. (Cliches approaching!)

Let it go.
Move ahead.
Better days are coming.
You've gotten over worse.
Other things are worth more. Here are two.

Enough said.

Go Red Sox.

Tune in next time, dear reader, to see why I may bring a lawsuit against ....well, wait and see. Seriously.
A bientot
love,
becky

Recent Entertainment

2010-06-13T10:17:00.002-04:00

Sometimes it's good to examine one's entertainment choices, isn't it? So here are the recent movies I have seen: some rented, some from the libes, and one or two paid admission at the theeyater.

The Hangover was, I think, a hit movie, or maybe it still is. This was a rental and I was extremely trepidatious about it. It looks stupid, vacuous. sexist, and immature. It was all of those. But I gotta say, it was pretty funny. Four stars from the Beckster.

Nurse Betty is a ten-year-old flick and I brought it home from the library. It's dumb. How could anyone be that dumb? I'm picturing the pitch somebody must have made for it--hey, a really dumb girl thinks she living in a soap opera! Uh, no. That's what they should have said. Renee is cute so I will give it one star.

First four episodes of Entourage. This looked like it would be addictive and we were in the mood. It's okay. It's skewed too young and male for me, I guess. The females in it make me feel old and crone-like, though grateful I don't have to compete in Hollywood.

Sex and the City 2. I went for the clothes. I have always followed the show and watched when I could because of the clothes. My mother used to say that about Charlie's Angels (old TV show). "I want to see what they wear." I get that.
SC2 did not disappoint on that level. Great threads.
The show is vapid and inane. Of course.
Duh.
However.
I really think the show on TV used to be thoughtful and provocative. It explored new territory for women's viewing. It wasn't stupid, vapid, or inane. Now it is.
But that's not the worst problem.
This movie is extremely insulting to Muslims. Is there a reason for that? Don't some of them hate us already? Did someone think it would be fun to throw a lighted match onto some gasoline? Isn't anyone going to say this?
Whatever.
One star for the clothes.

Date Night with Tina Fey and whats-his-name. I have always heard of Steve Carrell, but thought he was a black dude who wore glasses and pretended to be an Egyptian? Isn't there somebody like that?
The movie is deeply implausible, but what movie isn't? What comedy isn't, I should say. Three stars and Mark Wahlberg looks good without a shirt.

Valentine's Day--I turned this off after ten minutes because it was too boring to watch. That was probably unfair and I should have given it another ten.
Tough.
It's my life.

Cold Comfort Farm was excellent. It figures I would like this English PBS-ey kind of flick and I did. This is Kate Beckinsale, whom I always mix up with Kate Winslet and I think there's another English Kate in there too. Four stars.

I can't remember any more right now. So what's the analysis of the person who would choose to watch all of these?

Deeply selfish.
Silly, shallow, and superficial.
Out for her own enjoyment--

F--kin' A, baby!
I'm Living the Dream, dear reader.
A bientot
love,
becky

Your Tattoo Looks Stupid

2010-06-05T07:57:00.004-04:00

I don't mean that you are stupid.

I don't mean that.

But I am here to tell you the truth.

Do you remember ten years ago? Do you remember any of the styles that you wore then? Baseball caps? Certain jeans? Fashions?

Do you wear many of those now?

I didn't think so.

They were fun and you loved them. But you wouldn't wear them NOW. You want to look better than that. You've moved on.

Do you think your tattoo will be any different?

Don't put somebody's name permanently on your body. If they are a dead relative, you won't bring them back. You won't honor them. You won't accomplish anything for them. You'll just wish you hadn't done it.

Your mother doesn't want her name on your arm. Or your wrist. Or anywhere. Cattle wear brands because there's no other way to tell people who their owner is.

They're too stupid.

Show honor to your mother in other ways. Take her to lunch. Send her flowers. Don't disfigure yourself.

If the subject of your tattoo is the love of your life right now, consider that one in two marriages end in divorce. Good chance that person will be long gone in ten years. You're better off wearing a ring. It signifies your love, you can wear it everywhere, and you can get rid of it when and if.

It looks like you have the Sunday funny papers going up and down your legs.

Wipe that off, I always think.

But you can't.

For women, the stakes are even higher.
A cute little butterfly in a tender spot seems sexy right now. In ten years, when you've moved on from Ricky the Rebel-Dude to the venture capitalist with the cool place on Long Island, it might be a very unwelcome surprise.

Do you like birthmarks? That's what tattoos look like.

This has been said by many, but I'll say it again. How do you think the lovely rose will look when you are 40 or 50? I"ll tell you how it will look.

Terrible.

Embarrassing.

Old Hippie.

I'll stop now.

I saw a lot of these in my recent time spent in airports. And I know my students love tats. I accept that. And probably their parents try to tell them not to do it.

But they are parents and so of course don't know anything.

Certain things in life, your friends won't tell you. They still want to be your friend, that's why. Some things only your mother will tell you. You have bad breath, dear. Don't use your fork like that. Sit up straight--you're hunched over and look bad.
We all need someone to tell us stuff like this.

So I'm telling you.
A bientot
love,
becky
don't hate me

Did you guess Arkansas?

2010-05-27T11:07:00.004-04:00

Of course you did, dear reader. Home of Lake Ouachita (pronounced Wash-i-taw), an enormous lake, 900 miles of shoreline with no development on it. It's amazing and amazingly beautiful, surrounded by Ouachita National Forest and one of the cleanest lakes in the country. All these little inlets and private nooks are everywhere with hardly any other boaters.

The only thing I don't like is finding a tree to hide behind for bathroom activities. The thought of a snake biting me was enough to keep me in the boat. Actually, the thought of just seeing a snake kept me there.

Here is the captain, first mate and first dog.

Zoe the Wonder Dog, Queen of all she sees.

Remember this guy?
He used to live in my mother's back yard. St. Francis of Assisi, who used to torment this little creature....

Miss Muffet, if you can see her over to the right. They have been joined by a cherub, kind of a fat little dude who keeps them from too much mischief.

F of A:YOU'RE STILL VERY IMMODEST , MISS M.

MM: NO, I'M NOT. YOU'RE JUST A BIG BUTTINSKY WITH UNFORTUNATE TENDENCIES.

Cherub: SHUT UP, BOTH OF YOU. THERE'S PLENTY OF ROCKS HERE IN THIS YARD. DON'T THINK I WON'T USE THEM.

It gets kind of loud out there in my dad's new back yard, what with all the statuary screaming at each other, but whatever. Dad enjoys his post on the patio.

I made two key lime pies for him this time. I don't think I can keep up that pace.

View of Lake Hamilton from my brother's back deck. You feel like you are on the Meditteranean, except the water temperature is much warmer. Also there are fewer sightings of Paris Hilton. I don't like to swim. I don't like to get water in my ears. Yuck. I don't like to get my hair wet. Equal yuck. If I fell out of a boat now, I would probably sink in under five minutes. There's a cheerful thought.

One true cheerful thought is how good my brother is on the gee-tar. He is into Blood, Sweat, and Tears right now and it sounds great.

Family members

I am once again Living the Dream, dear reader.

And loving it.
A bientot
love,
becky

Are you reading? I'm writing to you. I think about you all the time, baby.

Guess Where I'm Going!

2010-05-17T08:01:00.002-04:00

Yes, dear reader, it's a place where azaleas abound and they look like blankets stretched across the landscape. Sadly, they have already bloomed, so I'm only giving the azleas as a hint.

Are you getting it now, dear reader?

Is it making sense?

Ah yes, it must be pretty clear, I'd think.

And speaking of Vel--Vel--I can't quite say it-- there must have been a time when they tried to do "provocative." I'll let you be the judge of its success.

Yikes. That's a lot of cheese dip right there.
I know, I know. You're thinking I posed for this back in the day.

Velveeta! Choose from small, large, extra large, or Big Ass sizes!

I may be asked to pose for the cellulite edition. Anyway, do you know where I"m going?

See you when I get back!
A bientot
love,
becky

Saturday at Well Read Books

2010-05-09T09:52:00.004-04:00

The rain was coming down, but spirits were high. Well Read Books in Plaistow NH is a great place to poke around and get an unexpected "find." I came away with a delicious biography of Dorothy Parker. It was great fun.

How did I get away without a picture of Jeff, the owner, his lovely family, and Eileen, my buddy? Somehow I did.

I signed some books.

I signed the wall.

(not the Berlin Wall--ask Eileen about that!)

And I even came home with a lovely new mug and saucer.

I'm not used to the luxury of a saucer and I may switch to this full time.

And so now I'm back in my regular routine. I'm almost finished grading, though I was about ready to explode at some of the, um, poor quality of submissions.

"The second amendment clearly says 'you have the right to keep and bare arms.'" AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH. And on that note.....

"He couldn't bare his living conditions." AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH.

And the somewhat more perplexing..."The death penalty could kill innocent by standards."

And finally, who can argue with the fear of knowing that... "lives are at steak."

Happy Mother's Day, dear reader. Go call your mom!

love,

becky

Book Signing

2010-05-02T16:22:00.004-04:00

That's right, dear reader, I am doing a book signing, after all this time!

Actually, this is Pamela Anderson at HER book signing, but since I may likely be wearing the same color, it seemed fair to use her picture. My book will be Coupon Girl, though.

And my signing will be at the very wonderful Well Read Books
37 Plaistow Road, Rte. 125
Plaistow, NH
603-819-5116
12-2pm
Saturday, May 8

Please come by if you can! Refreshments are promised! New England boiled dinner for everyone--no, wait, I might have that wrong. It might be chocolate of some kind--yum!
http://www.wellreadbookstore.com/events/ Read about the event here-- Gosh, I will have to do my hair. I'm nervous already.

Soon my semester will be over. And I will be once again

the Queen of Sheba, shown here, just outside Hannaford's parking lot reclining on the banks of the Assabet. You can't see the bonbons, but they're there. And what a cute hat. I don't actually like the serpentine aspect of the river. I didn't sign up for the Adam and Eve segment, okay?

A student wrote about a study

done about effects of marijuana at "Wake Frost University."

and another about the different gun laws in "Easter Europe."

Seriously think about coming out next Saturday, dear reader. I would love to see you!

A bientot

becky

Bizzaro Mall

2010-04-26T17:24:00.003-04:00

Once upon a time there was a perfectly good hill. It was in Berlin, Mass., and it was a hill like about any other, with trees and forests. It wasn't developed. That was the thing. This makes developers nervous. Developers couldn't wait to get their hands on it. A fabulous mall was described to the selectmen of the town and turned down repeatedly by the voters. Repeatedly. Finally, the developers won. Guess how many tenants there are in this one mall? ONE.

But they had to have it.

Guess how ugly it is?

Vastly. It's constructed of rocks and stones and delusions of grandeur. IT HAS A FOUNTAIN! This at least gives you a good laugh when you drive by.

UGH.

FUNNY FUNNY.

Some might even say GROSS.

I guess I must not have been looking when guys were putting this together. They must have had a good laugh too. I'm glad they had jobs for the short time they did.

All this to have what?

One.

More.

Lowe's.

It's all the way up the hill.

A bientot

love,

becky

Calories Burned

2010-04-18T07:25:00.002-04:00

On a scale of one to ten, my resemblance to Marilyn Monroe at her best remains at approximately zero. My resemblance to Marilyn at her worst is still approximately zero, approaching infinity. In truth, I don't wish to approach infinity just yet.

With nicer weather [HAH!] I am looking for some easy pleasurable ways to burn calories.

I would even be willing to wear a nurse's outfit
Haha, only kidding (certainly about the shoes)
.
Barring all this folderol, I am starting down the list at HealthStatus.com.

Aerobics, high impact. That would be a negative. Ain't going there.

Who would volunteer to be in front of me during this exercise? Yeah, that's what I thought.

Aerobics, low impact. Is that the same as walking? How about reading in bed while bending my leg up and down? Wouldn't that count? 45 minutes of low impact aerobics at my weight burns 308 calories. That's about one Lean Cuisine. Something tells me they're not going to accept my leg-bending technique.

Archery. 30 minutes 116 calories It would probably take me the full 30 minutes to find the right arrow in the quiver (I've always wanted to work with a quiver, though), then another 30 to hold it up across the bow in correct position. Now if I were to hit someone with the arrow and take off running, I suppose that would burn more.

Bicycling. 30 mins of "leisure" bicycling burns 134 calories. God, this is all pansy ass stuff, isn't it? I want something that burns off the fat fast. Plus I only like to go downhill and you can't do that around here.

Basketball, full court, 30 minutes: 371 cals. I suppose that's more like it. But only 371? Yeesh, I could pound down six fudgcicles pretty fast and would their pleasure equal the agony of basketball?

236 calories in 30 minutes of basketball officiating. Could I earn this by sitting in my chair and officiating from home?
"THAT WAS A FOUL!"
"OUT OF BOUNDS, BUDDY."
"WHAT A FREAKING ACTOR!"
If I had a bag of Cheez-Its in my hand, I could eat a few handfuls while I did the officiating. But I'm more honorable than that.

I don't want my reward until after I've earned it.

Thirty minutes of card playing. Dude, I'm there! And that burns 53 calories. Every half hour I can enjoy one crisp Oreo cookie. Deal me in!

But wait. 30 minutes of brushing teeth burns 84 calories. I don't think I can maintain proper brush rhythm for that long. And it would be a shame to eat something afterwards, so what would be the point?

Maybe I should jump right to the big stuff. Boxing in the ring against a real partner: 406 calories. Maybe this is what I need. I hope I get to pick my partner.

I can think of one or two I might not mind bashing. Of course I don't want to get bashed. Nothing is simple.
Hope your springtime is going well, dear reader. Cold and rainy here.
A bientot
love,becky

How Many Super Bowls Will We Win in the Next Two Years?

2010-04-11T08:36:00.003-04:00

Whew. Glad to hear it. Can't wait.

Isn't it cute that they both like vanilla? Although his ice cream looks like it's wearing a necklace.

I'm sure the yellow thing hanging out of Angie's dress is symbolic of the fight against something, but I'm not sure what. Maybe dolphins--are we fighting against them? Mice and insects--we should definitely be fighting against them. I would cheerfully wear a yellow sash at all times in favor of that. Bring it.

How many more children will these two have? One rather hates to speculate. Of course they won't stay together. I mean, come on. It's pretty brave of them to come along this far. Imagine if any time day or night that you stick your head out of the house, someone is waiting there to take your picture. I'm sure the first ten years or so were fun.

If Brad goes back to Jen, it will have to be because of her hair. I mean hats off. It's probably like owning a pet, constant work. You can't just sit and watch TV if you have a dog--you have to pick ticks out of its fur. With hair like Jen's, you probably have to be squeezing highlights into it day and night. Fair play to her.

Angie's ex, actually looking pretty decent here, but still making every girl in America reflect on Angie's choice--WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? Personally, I find Billy Bob sexy in a shriveled up bowlegged repulsive kind of way. Is he bowlegged? Dunno really. Those thin dudes usually are.

You will have to forgive me, dear reader, for low level thinking. It's spring in New England, which of course means bare trees, bare ground, freezing temps, and a few daffodils.

But we'll take anything.

Here are the most recent bloopers:

"Abraham and Sarah gave birth to Isaac when he was 100 years old."

We're talking about lethal does of morphine."

"The emotions pass like days on a colander."

"I shop at Supper WalMart." [you can't get breakfast food there--damn]

"Chris and the disciples are eating at the Last Supper."

"If teachers catch you in the hall without a pass, they give you some kind of disciple treatment."

"A number of states succeeded from the Union and then came back."

A bientot, dear reader.

love,

becky

Handbags In Genral

2010-04-04T07:20:00.004-04:00

I don't have the complete Love For Handbags gene in my DNA. My mother used to buy all my handbags. She called them purses. I never spent a dime on a purse or a handbag, even into my adult years. Every so often she would give me some great big vinyl monstrosity with add-on strap and I would carry it until she gave me another one. Or something weird that she got at the half of half price sale. Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't just accept any old thing.

I would have said no to this.

Sometimes they had faux brand names like SoEasy in chrome letters glued on. Mostly they didn't. I suppose they were hideous. And now I am offended to find out that I actually have to spend money on them. Don't wanna. Don't think I should have to.

Anyway, they make me anxious.

When you go into TJ Maxx, there are rows of them. Rows, I tell you!

They are decorated within an inch of their lives.

They have strange colors and tassels hanging from them like loafers.

They come with designer names. I am sick of this Louis Vuitton look. My friend Dana had one of these 25 years ago, I think. Not that either of us are that old. But Dana is a chic handbag user and I have never been.

One of the well known categories is the Big Mofo Bag. All women know about this. You can get about anything in that sucker. Its alternate name is carry-on luggage.

People go nuts for Coach bags too. Not me. I think they are okay. But one of my mother's old vinyl ones would please me just as well.

Here is a shape that is very popular these days. Although by the time I know it is popular, it is probably not fashionable.

This is what I would call a cutesy type. Some of them have all kinds of goo-goo gewgaws hanging from them and I don't like those. You're just asking for your bag to get caught on a picture hook at the gynecologist's or the saltwater aquarium at the tax accountant's and have everything spill out and possibly yourself and 86 fish sprawled and squirming on the floor. I don't need help doing that.

This bag scares me. I don't feel worthy of it. I think you have to be Sophia Loren to carry it and even she would have to be having a good hair day.

This is exhausting. This is why I always walk out of TJM without a bag. I'll keep on with my plain old tschotschkes. Anyway, happy Easter, dear reader. I learned a new thing yesterday. If you wait until 4pm the day before Easter, you may not be able to get a chocolate rabbit.

A bientot
love,
becky

Mama's Got A Brand New Mug

2010-03-28T20:38:00.004-04:00

Here it is. My official souvenir mug from Pawleys Island.

It's not hand painted like the one I brought from Italy. It's not as sophisticated or beautiful either.

But it didn't cost thirty dollars. It cost one dollar at the dollar store. It's a humble mug. I feel thrifty when I drink from it. There are lemons on it and pears, continuing the tart fruit theme of the Italian mug.

I'm excited to have a new tradition.

Then again I don't get out much.

Here is the Italian one in case you forgot what it looks like.

It's a slow week, dear reader.
We had a family birthday today and fun was had by all.

Flagrant consumption of chocolate cake was observed and duly noted.

Some parties did not get to share the cake, but those who had extra frosting today should stand warned that their share might be smaller in the years to come.

Entertainment was cutting edge. Modern interpretive dance from up and coming performers.

The divas of the past must make way for those of the future.

Stand up for what you believe in.

Go for all the cliches.

Remember the good times.

A bientot, dear reader.
love,
becky

Did You Guess Pawleys Island, South Carolina?

2010-03-21T08:34:00.005-04:00

Pawleys Island is just below Myrtle Beach, so lots of golfers are everywhere. You see groups of them, many in shorts, some with big stomachs, breakfasting here and there and enjoying grits! (I didn't get a picture of them, dear reader, but I did chat with a few--golfers, not grits!)
You see lovely silvery beaches.

It feels so good to take your jacket off after a long winter in New England.

My dear friend Dana lives there and loves it.

Here she is pointing out a spelling error in a sign, which I failed to get in the shot We are always pointing out something.

Also just noticing signs.

Here is one we liked at a beauty shop.

But I digress.

Spring is further along down there. I went for a walk with my camera and drank in the sights.

Of which there were many.

This Spanish moss hangs over all the trees in some places. It's eerie and gothic. It makes me think of William Faulkner and "A Rose for Emily."

Or my main girl Scarlett O'Hara. "I'll never be hungry again!" Believe me, there was little chance of that on this trip.

Palm trees abound. Tourists like to see those. Nothing says "tropical" like they do, even if it is a little chilly.

Yikes! This what you call a walk hastener.

A walk speeder-upper.

I kept thinking of Steve Irwin--"she's a real beauty!"

The IntraCoastal waterway goes through Pawleys Island, so you can stroll over and see that.

Boats and more boats. But let's get to the big stuff.

That's right. Stein Mart. The real thing. I've been waiting four years to go back. I never get to go to the one in Arkansas because I never have the time.
It was heaven.

I came within a hair of buying this raincoat, dear reader. A hair!
But I was strong!
I bought shoes instead.

We saw the Jeff Bridges movie. For a while, we were the only ones in the theatre. Where was everybody at 11:40 in the morning? Yeesh.

The movie was good. I wanted to see a sexy guy kiss a girl and I got what I paid for.

Free oysters on St. Patrick's Day? Yup, you heard that right.
As many as you wanted. This was at the Hot Fish Club and I think it was in Murrell's Inlet.

The bartender is very cute and was rooting for West Virginia in the tournament.

Meanwhile, Dana had never been to Sonic and had never tasted a cherry limeade.

That situation is rectified.

I know what this might look like. But this is Dana using a straw to suck the air out of a package she is mailing to her daughter.
That girl knows her household tricks.

There were other sights, dear reader, but these are the ones I can show you.

To Dana, Chuck, and Bogie--thank you! I had a blast and completely forgot everything else about my life. [that's good because as I was enjoying myself down there, a foot of water was rising in my basement]
I wish I was still there. Sigh.
A bientot
love,becky

Guess My Spring Break

2010-03-14T09:06:00.002-04:00

The big vacay in the fall semester is Thanksgiving. It is rushed and unsatisfying, spent mostly in airplanes or McDonald's lines inside of airports. It is over almost before it begins.

Spring break seems much more leisurely, since it starts the week before. So many schedules no longer include Friday (like mine), that as soon as you finish your last Thursday class, you are on spring break. Some students do not bother to attend that last class before break, so I guess it is even more leisurely for them.

Now of course not everyone goes somewhere. Some people have other jobs. They work at Friendly's or the 99 or Dunkin' Donuts and have to show up whether they're on vacay or not. Hats off to them. That's not me, though. I am leaving town.

I am getting all my school work done beforehand so I can really enjoy myself. I've got my camera packed and my book of crosswords.

I have stopped the mail and asked someone to roll my trash toter. I have done the dishes and cleaned the sink.

I even changed the sheets on my bed. Who wants to come home to a disheveled bed? I put away almost the last of the Christmas decs, except for the tree of course, which is still in the window. It is embarrassed and has started begging me to move it.
I told it to eat shit and die, which I know seems cruel, but I have to get a willing assistant in here to move the beast.

Recently, when Maeve was here, she kept asking me things like, "what's that?" and "what are those?"
The answer to every question was, "A bunch of junk."
I am heading for a Really Big Purge of this joint.
But not yet. Not this week. Where do you think I'm going, dear reader?

I ain't tellin'. My lips are sealed. Mum's the word. Tune in next week to find out and hope I haven't bought another jacket.

"My parents were very strict and never gave an inch about doing my choirs."

A bientot
love,
becky

Am I Supposed to Know These People?

2010-03-07T07:45:00.004-05:00

This is Jessica Simpson. And I'm supposed to know her how? I've had it explained to me a few times, but I still can't get it straight. Is she, like, a singer? A TV star? A lot of them I don't know, of course, because of my lack of TV. My students can't believe I don't have TV. I sort of can't believe it either. Over time, you lose touch with things and I think that's happening.

This is someone called Lady Gaga. I keep thinking it's a mispronunciation of Zsa Zsa, a person I do remember and know about. But no, it's someone else.

Okay, I'm really happy to get a chance to ask this question: I know this is Justin Timberlake, but who is that? Is he, like, a singer or something? I think he dated somebody famous--is that it? Oh wait. Was he on the Beverly Hills high school show where all the students were 30 years old? Did he play Luke Perry? Or did Luke Perry play Justin Timberlake? I have no clue.

This is Kid Rock and until I googled him, I'd never seen his face. Isn't he a wrestler? I have no idea who he is. Are we sure he's not a wrestler? His name sounds like one. Come on.

Was Kim Kardashian on a TV show? Is she a singer? Is she a Real Housewife of somewhere? She also dates people I never heard of and this delays my progress putting my groceries on the conveyor belt at Hannaford's because I have to peer in and look at the tabloid. So what the heck? Who is she?

ALL COUNTRY SINGERS are unknown to me. They are cute, don't get me wrong. But are they Tricia Yearwood or Carrie Underwood Or Tricia Underwood or Carrie Whateverwood? I do not know. I only know Garth Brooks and Dolly Parton. Okay? That's who I know. Country music has definitely exploded in the US. Don't rely on me, though I like some of those Achey Breakey love songs. Nothing says heartache like a country song and I am not immune. Make that guy love me again, okay?

Some celebrities I know well. These are two. They are gorgeous and cute and charismatic. Look out world.

A bientot plus

A rivedercci con amore

becky

Slumber Party

2010-02-28T15:33:00.003-05:00

5pm. The party starts. There is one guest--Maeve, my granddaughter. One hostess--me. Difference in age: vast. CENSORED. Difference in energy level: vast. Very vast. The most vast.

The entertainment varies from 101 Dalmatians (viewed approximately four times)

to How The Grinch Stole Christmas , viewed approximately 3 times. Enjoyment of the Grinch is enhanced at my house because my fiberoptic Christmas tree still stands in the den window. Maeve asked for it to be lit and so what the heck, I plugged it in. I wonder what passing motorists might have thought. There goes Motew, out of whack again, I suppose.

Anyway, I am an expert on these films now. If you have any questions at all, dear reader, feel free to ask . By the fourth Dalmatian viewing, I was wondering how the man and woman, owners of the dogs, supported themselves, since the husband did nothing from morning to night except sit in the attic and write music. They have a maid too! An amiably plump housekeeper who looks an awful lotlike the Bibbity Bobbity Boo godmother in Cinderella.
Don't you think I'm right, dear reader?

While we're at it, Cruella DeVil is supposed to be an old school chum of the wife's, but looks at least twenty years older with a big swath of gray hair.

Right? Am I right?

But whatever.

Who's counting and all that?

In the name of pre-school entertainment, we relax our analytical scrutiny.

We play Trivial Pursuit. Well, we throw the die from the Trivial Pursuit game and count the little pieces that are attached to the game. Some I fear may now be embedded into the carpet.

We eat dinner. Well, Grandma Becky eats, but Maeve ingests approximately one half of a Pepperidge Farm chocolate chip cookie.

Bedtime begins at 8pm. It is not successful. We come downstairs for one more viewing of 101 Dalmatians.

I can't exactly remember everything after that. I think there was snoring and kicking by hostess and guest. There was definitely sleep deprivation, from which I am still suffering.

Anyway, it was fun and I look forward to the next one. And, uh, I need to buy more movies.

A rivedercci con amore
A bientot,
becky

Five Hundred Dollars

2010-02-21T08:13:00.003-05:00

That's how much I would accept to view Avatar. I know, I know, I know. Everyone says it's great. That's why my fee is not a full thousand. But a) I already wear glasses and how stupid would those 3D spectacles look on my face? and b) I don't like sci-fi c)I don't like fantasy d) I don't like cartoons or any movie where the characters have wrinkly, weird-color, computer-enhanced faces. If I can't get a computer to enhance my own face, and wouldn't I love that, then forget it
There is something about a rampaging werewolf that bores me to tears. Can't I go to a zoo and see that? Can't I read National Geographic? I don't knowthe first thing about this film except the title. It's enough. $500.
Also for $500 I would grudgingly sit through the sequel to ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS. I believe they have called it THE SQUEAKQUEL and I am gagging now. I can only imagine the bedraggled parents sitting there in the dark, wishing for death. Make this one $500 and a flask of blackberry brandy.

In other news, dear reader, it was Fashion Week in NYC last week and as usual, the styles were unfathomable, the models cadaverous (except see below), and the hype unwarranted.
Is this Derek Lam model wearing gloves? Is it an all-in-one sweater? I have never heard of that. How do you do dishes in this thing? How do you thumb through a book? There could be problems in all areas of your life. Our minds are racing.
This I think is kind of cool. I would wear this. I can only imagine the cost. By Narciso Rodriguez, and I love that first name.

May I speak for all of us? GOOD GRIEF. Pamela Anderson has combined with Richie Rich for some line of clothing and I think we all know that must have been an alcohol-fueled discussion . I think we owe it to Pam to lower our eyes. She's getting into Ru Paul territory if you ask me.
If Pam was standing in line at Hannaford's (dressed normally), I'm sure she would be quite slender next to everyone else. But here? At Fashion Week? She looks the size of two of the regular cadavers. She has enough breast tissue for three of them.

Nothing says "hope" like "pitchers and catchers report." I love that word "report." It has a military sound to it; it suggests regimen and discipline and a plan for the future. I love all of those things. Catchers shown here practicing their vaudeville finale. (thanks to Boston Globe for all pix)
A bientot, dear reader.
A rivedercci con amore,
becky

.

Reflections on a Thirty Dollar Mug

2010-02-14T08:33:00.009-05:00

How would you feel, dear reader, if you paid thirty dollars for a mug?

It's very nice.

As mugs go.

Handpainted in Italy, it depicts a delightful lemon on a vine or on a lemon tree. I was so startled to see lemons growing on trees, it became kind of a joke. So the mug is appropriate in that special oh-yes-my-trip-to-Italy-if-only-I-were-still-there kind of way.

Signed by the artist.

It's very lovely.

But you know, I'm having problems looking at it. A mug should not cost thirty dollars. It was 22 euro, so I'm not exactly sure how many dollars it was.

It was the last night before I was leaving the next day and I was in that wtf mood, buying madly in every direction. I thought it would bring back lovely memories of my trip.

And it does. Don't get me wrong.

I don't know, though. My mother would be rolling over in her grave to know I spent that much.

Okay, enough of that. Imagine my excitement, dear reader, to know that I am driving a condemned car. That's right, a 2010 Toyota Camry, recalled for....are you ready?

a gas pedal that could--COULD--start accelerating out of control while I am--well, I guess I could be anywhere.

Parking lot at Hannaford's? LOOK OUT FOR THOSE CARTS! IT'S GOING TO BE UGLY!

Mass Pike? I DON'T WANT TO GO TO ALBANY! HELP!

College parking lot? DON'T MESS WITH ME, YOU SLACKERS! YOU'VE HANDED IN YOUR LAST LATE PAPER, SONNY!

And finally, this past Friday was Truck Day at Fenway Park.

The day that they ship all the soaps and towels and packets of chaw down to spring training. Wow, that is one big rig. Imagine how many humans could squeeze in there. That could be one fun party too. Because you KNOW that everyone along the way honks and waves and yields right of way. It must be wicked fun to be the driver.

Mark Twain says, concerning man,

"Hope springs up, and cheerfulness along with it, and then he is in good shape to do something for himself, if anything can be done."

A rivedercci con amore,

Becky

Not for the Faint Hearted

2010-02-07T08:42:00.003-05:00

This is a true story.

Names have not been changed. No one is innocent.

Don't read on if you are squeamish or faint of heart, dear reader.

Every day I retrieve my black ski parka from the peg in the hallway.

It's an ugly garment but warm.

Every day I put it on along with gloves and a hat.

Every day I venture forth into the wide world and walk a couple of miles. This keeps me young. COUGH HACK CHOKE. This keeps me bitching and grousing for hours.

A winter walk is not like a summer walk.

It sucks more.

It reminds you more that you live in a godawful hellhole. NONONO, that is NOT true. I don't mean it.

But when I'm walking, I mean it.

Eventually I reach the halfway point.

So.

Okay.

Anyway.

Last week I was walking along and I felt this odd sense of movement in the front of my coat, sort of below my throat but veering off toward my armpit (I really hate saying armpit).

That was weird, I thought.

Was it a bracelet? Some stupid jewelry item? Bra strap?

A few minutes later it happened again.

Now this was plain creepy. I yanked off the right arm of my jacket and walked along that way for a while, one arm in and one arm out. Sort of the half-ass walking technique.

This is ridiculous, I thought. And freaking cold. So I took the jacket completely off and gave it a good hard shake and what do you think fell out?

A MOUSE! A LIVE MOUSE!

EEEEK! SHRIEK!!!!

I am still getting over it. In truth, I think it has happened to me in other years, but with a hat, which is worse in some ways.

So on that note, dear reader, you may have been wondering what happened to my coverage of the Vatican.

I will tell you. I didn't have my camera that day. I will also tell you that it was so incredibly crowded that I really thought someone could have been trampled.
I guess the highlight was in the Sistine Chapel when our very knowledgeable guide Greg directed our attention to the Michelangelo depiction of Adam and Eve and exactly where Eve is positioned in relation to Adam. Ahem. Cough.

I don't know how many other tour guides address the blowus jobbus subject while standing in the Sistine Chapel, but hey, whatever. No one drifts off, know what I'm sayin'?

Papers abound. Only one bloop so far: "My mother waited up for me till one in the mourning."
A rivedercci, dear reader.
love,
becky

Not Another One

2010-01-31T19:40:00.004-05:00

Where will it end? When will it stop?

I have an outerwear problem. I admit it to the world. I already own numerous coats and jackets. There is nothing wrong with any of them.

And I don't need clothes at all.

I just went to Italy for cripes sake.

I am trying to live with what my son calls a clamp on the wallet.

I'm taking deep breaths.

But dear reader, every store --EVERY STORE-- saves its one cute perfect jacket for when I walk in. Even stores with horrible schmattes and leftovers seem to possess one. They see me coming in and they rush to display it.

Uh, not this one, thanks. We don't want to frighten the populace.
It's driving me crazy. I don't want to name all my jackets. I don't want to and no one can make me, though I might if you contact me privately and speak in low neutral tones. It has to be at night with the lights off.

But it's a lot. The number is high. The Traveling Feast took our winter sojourn down to the Cape this weekend. Good fun, way too much food and drink, the usual.

I announced to my friends that I would just be windowshopping on this trip. I was happy and content with my role as sidekick and consultant to purchasers other than myself.

I did okay for a couple of stops. But you know? You can't let your guard down. Ever.

We walked into a lonely little shop (theme from Jaws) and I sensed it. (DAH dum) I felt it. (DAH dum) I could feel its eyes on me. (DDDDAAAAAAAdum) and then we saw each other. You can't stand in the way of love, dear reader. BLAM. A darling darling white ski-type of smushy smoothness, oh dear reader, what was I to do?

What would Peyton Manning do, I wondered.

I gave it careful thought, keeping in mind that he will probably blow out the Saints next weekend. And the answer came to me in a vision: Who the fk cares what Peyton Manning says about my jacket. My vision also suggested that I stop thinking about Peyton Manning to start with. He's nerdy. And it's my business alone. I'm free from him. He's not the boss of me. Goddammit.

So fk Peyton Manning! Yaay! I bought it. It's yummy. I can wear it to watch the Super Bowl and I hope the Saints kick Peyton's ass. He's got a lot of nerve pushing me around.

Winter Capesters

Go Saints!
love,
becky

Back to Reality

2010-01-24T08:12:00.003-05:00

Sigh. Here I come. Back from Italy and thoughts of Italy.

Well, no. Ix-nay on the thoughts. They will always be with me (help here from Sargent's Street in Venice).

But life goes on.

Real life.

The kind with students in it who say and write funny things. The euphoria in the air at this time of the semester is palpable.

To quote one of my former students, not everyone has the lechery of sitting around all day and not working. I certainly do not. So, dear reader, what do we have to be happy about?

Certainly not the Patriots.

The Red Sox are in that time of year when they trade away the people who could really help us and get in the people who will not. Goodbye Jason Bay. Spring training is always hopeful. But we're a long way from that right now.

Sigh. So what else?

The weather?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

New Englanders keep one eye on the TV during all of January, February, and March. It's either snow or severe cold. Take your pick, baby!

Well, I know! It's a good time of year for reading. I have read a pile of books that I haven't reported on, including Homer and Langley by E. L. Doctorow, which was excellent, That Old Cape Magic by Richard Russo (my new favorite writer) and This is Where I Leave You by Jonathan Tropper, also very good. If you can't put a book down and have to stay up way into the dangerous hours, the ones that keep you puzzled and bewildered during the day if you're not sleeping during them (what did I just say?), then that book is by definition really good.

As promised, here is a shot of Ostia Antica, an ancient port city near Rome that has been excavated to a very surprising and large degree. You pretty much have a chill down your back every moment. We made friends with a guy from Sicily who took our picture.

And back in Rome, via a fun subway ride where we got to see how Italian teens make out, here is the Bocca della Verita, the mouth of truth. Legend is that if a liar puts his hand inside, it will be bitten off. We didn't have time to stand in line for a pic here, but I would have put my hand in, no problem
I have known one or two who should have been very afraid to do it.

Onward, dear reader.

(this is me espying a lemon tree)
A rivedercci con amore,
becky

Rome 2

2010-01-17T07:32:00.004-05:00

So this is how the hairdo came out. Not so very different from home, but very straight and poofy, which I liked.
A woman who resembled Ivana Trump did my hair. She didn't speaka my language and I didna speaka hers.
"Prego," they say. It means please most of the time except when it means you're welcome or even, will you please move over here?
"Prego." I loved the way Ivana said it. I think she was terrified. She was forced to take me (by the boss) and her hands seemed to be trembling. I reassured her from time to time--"good! Bene! Bono! Sonny Bono!" You grab at anything when you don't know wtf you are talking about.

Note box of Cheez-its in the background. I find it a must-have for hotel living. I think Amy was a bit appalled, but she has way better taste than I do in general.

Here is Amy just before the wind blew the potato chips over. That sounds symbolic, doesn't it? Before the Potato Chips Blew. You sit outdoors in Rome, no matter what. It was in the 50s most days, so that was okay. On this occasion, though, we may have been kidding ourselves. I kept saying, "It's January 8th and I'm sitting outdoors."

Look at these yummy artichokes. I think I ate some. Not these of course, but others. I was totally confused by food and what I was eating. It was all good, though.

See the Dior logo?
In the doorway of these posh joints you frequently see a bouncer type of individual, meant to discourage the riff raff, I don't doubt. We stood across the street and watched. I offered Amy twenty USD to go up to their window and press her nose against it, but she turned it down.

This is Amy's friend Laird, who joined up with us for a couple of days. He is a fount of knowledge (wonder if he's ever been called a fount before) and great fun to be with.

Here's Laird demonstrating his fountness.

And cuteness.

Obligatory Trevi Fountain shot.

Adjacent to the Trevi was a little gellateria. We went in and I lost all control. I ordered two cannolli and a large dark chocolate gellatto. Just throw me in the fountain, I said.
It was heavenly.

More stuff.

[see previous post for definition of "stuff."]

Once again, I think I have gone on long enough. Next time?

Ostia Antica, the excavated ancient city south of Rome! With two modern babes as your guides!

Audrey and Greg on the Spanish Steps. We saw them everywhere.
A rivederci, dear reader.
love,
becky

Bella Roma (not belladonna)

2010-01-11T15:17:00.011-05:00

This whole thing started months ago when my good friend Amy, who is in Afghanistan for her job right now (she is the queen), said she was going to Italy for Christmas to meet some of her friends there and why didn't we join forces in Rome right around the new year?

Uh, okay. I could do that. Of course Hannaford's might be having specials that week, they might even be saying "have a nice day," but somehow, I was able to break away.
Roma.

The Eternal City.

What would it be like?

First of all, we picked our hotel, the Hosianna Palace on the Via del Pillachia, or it could be Pinocchio; I can never get those right.
I was trepidatious about a hotel with the syllable "ho" in it, but what the heck.
We are worldly dames.

It was very charming, and a cardinal's residence hundreds of years ago. There is a plaque on the wall that commemorates its years as a hospice, which gave us pause as we waited for the elevator.
Still, no problemo, signori. You may notice my many jackets and coats, dear reader. It was an outerwear festival for moi. And what was my best purchase and naturally most unneeded? That's right--a chic Italian black jacket. Put me on one of those little motor scooters--ciao, baby!

Fashion!

Be a ho!

Be a dominatrix!

Wear colors that don't match!

Spend every cent you have and don't look back! I demurred daily over the purchase of blue boots. That's right, dear reader. It seemed like a good idea. I held back and now regret it.

Okay, so the ruins. They are everywhere. You walk around in them. It feels sometimes as though you're in a big excavation site. They are eerie and glorious and remind you of Caesar and brilliant engineering feats and people who wore and enjoyed togas.

But of course it isn't just the Forum and the Colloseum that get your attention.

In your own neighborhood there are ancient ruins that some committee is working on to excavate and share with the world. Look down and see the steps to some ancient temple or theatre or early branch of Roman Hannaford's.

The Colloseum is awe-inspiring. I don't let my students use the word "awesome," but if they were talking about Roman ruins, I would let them.

Can you imagine sitting here and watching a gladiator fight a lion? Or a crocodile? A what? That's right, a crocodile.
I will be honest.
This does not appeal to me, even if Russell Crowe were involved.

I told Amy that we could have fought as gladiatresses. She could have gone out first and distracted the crocodile by running around or maybe telling a few Afghani jokes. Or really any jokes, you know? The crowd would have loved it. Then I could have swept out in a pretty sexy toga--maybe something off-white with lots of folds-- twirled around a little, always staying modest (I wouldn't have been against getting the attention of some cute centurion or magistrate in the front row) and then when the crocodile almost had Amy in its jaws, cleverly speared it with my sword. It would have worked. And it goes without saying we would have worn stylish sandals. Women were not allowed in the Colloseum except sometimes in a tiny box way up in the nosebleed section. You know what? That would be fine with me.

This is the arch of Constantine across the street from the Colloseum. People walk by it and go to work, have their hair done, fall in love, and live life. It seems incredible. Also incredible was the little bar on the other cross street where I had my first "chocolat." Oy. You have to eat it with a spoon, my friend. Oh, just kill me now.

This is Gregory (hi Greg!) , our guide for the Palatine Hill, also across the street from the Forum. The rich people by and large lived up in that section and although I can't remember everything Gregory told us, I learned a lot.
If you're reading, Greg, your English is nearly perfect and the only thing you could change is to say "back in the day" instead of "back in the days." But then again, I am a little bit picky, so don't sweat it.

This is the view from the Palatine. See what I mean about all the stuff? That's what you start calling all the ruins and artifacts and priceless marble statuary. "Stuff."
And lots of it.

One night when we were not dining lavishly, we bought a DVD of Roman Holiday with Audrey Hepburn and Gregory Peck (coincidence that our tour guide had the same name? Hmmmm.). Amy was sure the movie would play on her computer, but it did not, at least not correctly. We watched it one night in slow motion, herky jerky, with no sound. It was a little like watching the Zapruder film--oh, watch him lean forward now, there he goes, ah yes! It was fine since we were drinking champagne and making smart remarks like "look at those dumb pajamas"--god, we were witty!

Anyway, all the "stuff" is there from 1953, the Spanish Steps, the Trevi Fountain, Castel Saint Angelo. It kind of gives you a shiver to see it. The next night we watched it in correct motion with subtitles. Eddy Arnold is HOT in that movie. I only wish I could forget Green Acres.

I think I have gone on long enough for one blog post, so tune in next time--I don't know when that will be--and see what happened when I had my hair done in Rome!

A rivederci, dear reader.

love,

becky

Roma

2010-01-10T18:10:00.003-05:00

Back.

Exhausted.

Not arrested.

Pix to follow.

Trashed and Wasted

2009-12-28T09:18:00.002-05:00

In England they have Boxing Day on December 26. Here at my house we have Trashed and Wasted Day. It's a day when you don't have to get out of your jammies. A day for lounging in bed and only coming downstairs to nuke up a plate of leftovers.

We deserve it.

Not that it wasn't fun. The kids were cute.

Little Molly is so precious and so great to hold and squeeze. She is definitely not trashed and wasted, but raring to go. That's because she gives her all and then takes the rest she needs. As opposed to the adults who give their all and keep giving it until they have consumed 7000 calories and two quarts of mixed liquor. No no, only kidding on that part. I am left with mass quantities of wine and Bailey's and various liquor. Oh, what a problem.

Maeve in her new firefighter costume. I could use an axe right now myself.

Guests at Maeve's tea party. I assembled this table myself with help from my daughter on the chairs.

She is a genius.

My boeuf bourgignon looked good. It looked really good. But in truth, it wasn't that great. I overcooked it somehow. I don't mean that it was bad, just not spectacular, you know?

Oh well. At least now I have a 12-quart saucepan when I need it.

Here's Martha lighting it up for the meal.

Next up:

Weather there will be decent. I NEED SHOES!

Arivederci and a bientot, dear reader, I will have to delay my year-end review until I return.
Becky

Martha Stewart, Eat Your Heart Out

2009-12-21T08:10:00.002-05:00

It all started when I found these Santa Claus napkin rings stuck in a drawer at my father's house. My mother made them and they are utterly cute. See how they stand up on the plate? [don't shake your head, dear reader--I will snap out of this soon] Maeve will love them. The color of the napkins doesn't exactly match the color of Santa's hat, but I haven't gone completely gaga. Not yet. Not entirely. I could still race out frantically to Macy's and get new napkins.

Incidentally, here is a question for a)other Martha Stewart types and/or b)laundry experts. What happens when someone wipes their mouth off with a cloth napkin and it's not a man? What happens when it's a woman wearing lipstick? Know what I'm sayin'? I mean you can't criticize them for it. EXCUSE ME, MRS. PARSLEY, BUT COULD YOU GO A LITTLE EASIER ON WIPING YOUR MOUTH OFF? I don't understand how those stains are ever removed. You'd have to soak them in lye. You'd have to keep a vat of it going all year round. DON'T TOUCH THAT. THOSE ARE THE CLOTH NAPKINS FROM CHRISTMAS DINNER. MRS. SMITH WORE REVLON'S FIRE AND ICE LIPSTICK AND IT'S GOING TO TAKE A FEW MONTHS.

Okay, I'm just asking.

And what about this display of high decorating? Do you know the elbow grease it took to make that silver tea service shine? The sheer will power to bring it back from blackness? I didn't even consume alcohol while I was doing it and that gives me more points, doesn't it? I played The Nutcracker and enjoyed myself. I was Hudson in Upstairs, Downstairs -- more probably Ruby, the ugly stupid kitchen maid. Incidentally, I wouldn't want to actually serve tea or coffee in these babies. The insides are streaked with ancient silver polish and rather nasty.

I even bought a new lamp. I don't think it's supposed to have a shade, but I'm not sure.

Anyway, problems still remain. Just for fun, I decided to open the vacuum cleaner to see how full the bag was getting. Big mistake. It was impacted like a bad colon, an intractable problem. So now today I have to try to replace it. I seem to remember that it is a weird type that almost no one carries. Dontcha love that? A vacuum cleaner emergency is tradition for me at the holidays.

Last blooper of 2009, dear reader, but it's a good one:
"When committing crimes, officers of the law do their best to apprehend the criminals."

On that note, I wish joy to all of you, on this day and all days.
love,
becky

AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

2009-12-14T07:48:00.004-05:00

Even a tsunami has its big part, the real kahuna, the mother of all surges that makes you think it will never end. That's what I'm in right now. My modest quota this-many-per-day strategy strains almost to its breaking point. Today I must grade ten research papers, ten journals, and five final exams. It will continue this way for another three days and then it will taper off.

But then more work will come in.

I won't feel zest for quite a while.

Right now I feel anti-zest. Phhhhouest. Yechhhhest.

And after the grading comes the number crunching for the REAL grades. Out of 100 students, 90 of the grades are pretty easy. They know what they did, they know what they deserve, and so do I. No sweat. Ten out of the hundred require some head scratching. Five of those ten require intense head scratching and re-running of the numbers. Two of the five require the wisdom of Solomon.

Finally, the answer comes to me in a vision. It always does. Frequently it is accompanied by a second vision of the student in question having fun and larking about, not concerned in the least. That's when I wonder why I should be agonizing.

"My room at home is what you would call genetic. It doesn't have any distinguishing parts."

"The waves softly crashed to the shore.

"The breeze the next day was warmer and cooler."

"I learned some important lesions."

In the end, it gets done. Then I get to worry about Christmas Eve dinner.

I've always wanted to make charlotte russe. Doesn't that sound like a good dessert for Christmas? I only have one question. What is it?

I dunno. It might be too hard for me.

A bientot, dear reader.

love,

becky

2 1/2 weeks till Roma!

Uh Oh

2009-12-07T07:12:00.003-05:00

I go out the door for a short trip to Target. The game is well in hand. Tommy doesn't need me. Well, SHIT.

Beaten by the DOLPHINS? Oh, how declasse. Of course I remember the years when Dan Marino looked down his angry nose every time he beat us. I never saw an angrier player. Even now when he is a commentator, I wait for the day he will snap.

TERRY! YOU STUPID REDNECK! THAT IS NOT WHAT THE COACH IS THINKING! WHY DON'T YOU GO BACK TO THE GREEN ROOM AND READ THE RULE BOOK, OKAY?

I guess we're not going to find the love in football this season.

One good thing:

Oh man, I am LOVING my new Fast Lane transponder. I used it for the first time on Thanksgiving weekend and it was awesome. I sailed by all the peasants waiting in line. I can't truly explain the rush you get when that green light lights up and you go through, almost without slowing down. No more rooting around in handbags for money.....I know I had another quarter here, fk it that's a euro, what is wrong with me? And no more little cards to stow somewhere easy to find and then totally forget where they are as the toll nears. GODDAMN IT, THROCKMORTON, WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THE THING? I DON'T ASK MUCH FROM YOU AND NOW YOU'VE LOST THE TURNPIKE TICKET. Oh, when it comes to the Fast Lane, dear reader, everything is good.

Students will soon drive me insane.

One young woman approached my desk and leaned into my personal space as if to confide something secret. I leaned toward her as well, to facilitate her confidence. She gushed at me, "I have the swine flu!" I could feel the germs.

"Abraham and Sarah gave birth to Isaac when he was 100 years old."

[that can be painful]

"Assisted suicide involves lethal does of morphine."

"Guns are needed for self-defense and to haunt more rapidly."

And finally, dear reader, "anesthesia is needed to relive the pain of death,"
which I suppose would be true and also in a paper about lowering the drinking age,
"I believe that drinking isn't as bad as running for president at age 35."
Hard to argue with that one as well.
Enjoy the holidays, or as we say here at CFTE, enjoy the goddamn holidays. A bientot
love,
becky

Why Christmas Will Not Suck This Year

2009-11-30T08:34:00.002-05:00

The main reason is because our family is not giving gifts--yaay!!! Well, that isn't completely true. We did a grab bag name drawing thing where everyone buys one gift and gets one gift. The only immediate problem is that no one set a money limit on it, so the person who drew my name may be buying me a diamond necklace while I am out getting a schlocky oven mitt for someone else. This will have to be solved.

Meanwhile, I had a great time in Arkansas, as always. Here is my brother Brian (Big Orange) getting ready to sample that wine bottle. Yum. There was a good bit of that kind of sampling going on. The sous-chef Gretchen (d-i-l of Big Orange) and sous-sous chef (diamond necklace hopeful) tried to keep things organized.

The meal came out pretty good. Note sweet potato dish at far end placed near my seat at all times. My diet behavior was in a word, deplorable. Frankly, I should be taken outside and shot. My brother has a great big long granite island in the kitchen, big enough for a person to lie down on, and I suggested it could be used for liposuction. There's a garden hose outside and I'm sure we could have looked up the procedure on the internet. I even volunteered to go first. Buncha pansies.

My dad is 94 and doing okay. He doesn't hear well all the time and we sometimes have exchanges such as:

Becky: "Dad! Remember when you used to travel to Chicago on business?"

Dad: "I wear glasses about half the time."

So I guess we're in the holiday season, dear reader. Try to stay calm and keep the weapons stored safely.

A bientot

love,

becky

Travels

2009-11-23T07:22:00.003-05:00

First of all, nine weeks ago I started the Hamster Diet and this morning I officially have lost NINE POUNDS. I am thrilled.

Now that I've accomplished that, what am I doing? Heading off toward temptation, that's what. First, Arkansas for Thanksgiving, well known Velveeta and Cool Whip destination.
V and CW are ingested and enjoyed everywhere on this map. I will be landing in Little rock--see it? I may throw myself on top of a big slab of Velveeta right in the airport. You wouldn't want to miss it if you are in the area. Then I will be motoring to Hot Springs, down there in the lefthand corner. Excellent V cheese dip waiting and my sister-in-law's divine chili. She lets me take a container of CW to bed with me. She's awesome.

This is a picture of the Hot Springs observation tower, or maybe it's the water tower. I don't know what it is. You do see it on the horizon wherever you go. How this photographer did not manage to catch WalMart in the shot I don't know. It's very scenic in Hot Springs and the only bad thing is the preponderance of snakes. But I think they're all underground at this time of year. They have a den somewhere underneath and they all try to stand up and dance. It's pretty pitiful seeing snakes do that and I'm glad we can't.

In just a few weeks, after the semester is over and --gag gag--Christmas, I am going to....are you ready....wait for it...
ROMA!

This is not my hotel, by the way. I am very excited about this development and will have much more on the subject later. Have to dash now, though.

Cutie pie Molly goes to her first restaurant. She tried to order the tiramisu, but the waitress asked for ID.

Big sister Maeve gets in a few licks on the harmonica. Hey. Bob Dylan had to start somewhere.

Happy Thanksgiving, dear reader. A bientot

love,

becky

When you're a genius....

2009-11-16T07:03:00.003-05:00

It's only a matter of time until you're not a genius. Until people cringe at your decisions and say"what were we thinking when we conferred that title"?

Maybe if Professor Einstein had lived longer, he would have been revealed as something less than a genius--DID YOU SEE AL'S LATEST EXPERIMENT? HE SAYS THERE'S TEN PLANETS OUT THERE AND ALL OF THEM FLAT! COME ON BY AFTER LUNCH AND LET'S TAKE A LOOK!

So anyway, Coach Hoodie (as called by Dan Shaughnessy) gambled on the big time gutsy Bill Parcells type of move last night (going for it on fourth down, even though in own territory) and lost.

Hey, baby.
C'est la vie.
Ya win some, ya lose some.
Wassup?

It is such a pleasure to watch Brady and Manning. They are both cool customers. I used to hate Dan Marino, who would get red in the face and start lambasting his own players . He was one pissed off QB. These two are the direct descendants of all the other Great Ones, including Joe Montana, Brett Favre, and John Elway. (thanks to Boston Globe)

A number of decades ago, a college roommate and I drove in the middle of the night from Champaign, IL to Indianapolis in search of a friend we knew at Fort Benjamin Harrison. It was a foolhardy trip (the only kind we ever took). The car had no heat. The window wouldn't open. Something about the "rings" (?????) made it so that it consumed one or two quarts of oil on every outing. It had other problems as well, which were all on display during the drive. It was pitch black as we drove the flat landscape between Illinois and Indiana. I urged my friend to turn the car lights off now and then for a scary thrill. I'm not proud of this. Anyway, we ended up parked near the tall skinny monument in the middle of Indy, unsure where to go. A very unlucky police officer tried to help us, but we ended up confusing him.

I think this was the monument and we were there. I have never returned.

"American fashion has a cretin look to it."

One more full week of school, dear reader, until Velveeta.

love,

becky

Excuses, excuses

2009-11-09T07:20:00.003-05:00

At this time in the semester, I am deluged with excuses. Buried. Swamped. They (the authors)are always very sorry.

"Dear Professor Motew,
I am so sorry for missing class. I am extremely sorry to bother you. I am sorrier than I can say for my miserable existence.."
OKAY, OKAY, WE'RE SORRY. OUR HEADS ARE BOWED. GET ON WITH IT.
"I know I wasn't supposed to miss any more class, but when I woke up on Tuesday, I had terrible stomach pains and panic attacks. My roommate said I looked awful, although it could have been the fact that I was out till 4 and plastered out of my mind."
YES MAYBE IT COULD HAVE BEEN THAT.
"I was wondering if you could tell me if I missed anything."
NO, YOU MISSED NOTHING. NOTHING OF THE LEAST VALUE WAS UTTERED IN CLASS. YOU WERE FAR BETTER OFF AT HOME HUNG OVER--AND MAY I USE THAT AS A BOOK TITLE?
"Is there any assignment?"
DO THE WORDS "CHECK THE SYLLABUS" MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU? DO YOU HAVE THE SLIGHTEST UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT THAT MEANS?
"Again I am very very sorry for all of this."
NO PROBLEM.

There are lots and lots of variations on this theme. Sometimes they say there has been a death in the family, but they don't say who it is. I don't mean to be rude, but this makes me wonder if it is the dog. Or they say they have "stuff" going on. Oh of course--stuff! Why didn't you say so?

"It was a wonderful accomplishment and to me felt like winning the gold metal."

"I was leaning over the bed in dyer pain."

[hairdressers experience this if a color goes really bad]

In other news, Maeve turned three. Where has the time gone? She'll be going out to the prom before I know it.

Molly is getting big, shown here expressing her worry that owner of finger will not come back with proper food.

Par-TAY!!!!

love,

becky

p.s. half pound more lost--yaaay!

6 weeks Later

2009-11-02T08:39:00.002-05:00

Okay, so I'm pretty happy about the diet right this second. I lost another pound this week, bringing the grand total to 6 pounds in 6 weeks. I know that pace won't last. I know it from past experience, but it doesn't pierce the lovely glow I feel right now.

I also feel queasy, though. Why? See that picture above? That is from a tapas restaurant (I always think people are saying "topless" restaurant) where I am dining tonight. How will I possibly conquer this challenge? I don't dare drink any wine because tomorrow is my ballbuster schedule and there wouldn't be anything worse than trying to do it hung over. So no drinking, just supreme, arm-gnawing hunger. Oh well, it will be fun anyway.

A bigger challenge will be next weekend when I have to face Maeve's birthday cake.
Well, I will HAVE to have a small slice. I will. Let's just hope I don't pull a knife and demand the whole thing for myself.
Speaking of eating until one is sick, my yearly trip to Arkansas is coming up too and we all know what that means.
Yes that's right. And plenty of.......

I was listening to someone talking on Saturday night about the diet she's been on where she's lost 16 pounds in a month. I did not rush to choke her. I did not do anything unseemly. See? Now a man would have sat back in his chair and belched loudly to show editorial comment. It was belch-worthy too, but I did not.

I just wrote a chicken sex scene in my new book. In the interests of full disclosure, it's people having the sex and a chicken making an appearance. Sheesh, details, details.

I've been mesmerized by Mad Men lately until last night. No more Miss Farrell. How blah.

Monday seems like a good day to blog, dear reader. I will probably be doing that for a while.
A bientot
love,
Becky

Normalcy

2009-10-26T07:49:00.004-04:00

I've had a lovely week of not writing down everything I eat. I did stay on the Hamster Plan for the full week, though, and lost ANOTHER POUND. That's right--five pounds in five weeks! So I am relatively satisfied. In other news, well, I guess there is no other news. Here are some bloops from this fall semester.

"Fifteen agonizing minuets passed." [you know, it's true. Dancing is agony for some.]

"I commanded the dog to sit vocally." [I usually like him to recite Keats.]

In a related sentence, the same writer said that the dog" could sit without having to say sit." Rather remarkable, I'd say.

".....some other authors such as P. G. Wholehouse."

"She brought her own flare to the stage."

And finally, these very true words:

"We need to reduce admissions into the atmosphere." [way too many freshmen up there!]

A bientot

love,

becky

Final Weigh-In and Comments

2009-10-19T19:33:00.002-04:00

Loss for the last week: half a pound Can you believe that, dear reader? All that hunger and suffering for one lousy half pound--not even a whole pound? It goes against what you read about calories consumed and calories burned. I really believe metabolism plays a big big role. Age plays a role too and I am no, well, you know, it rhymes with bing licken.

My body at my age wants to be soft and plump and saggy. It wants to in the worst way. It fights me. I can barely win and I only win if I concentrate really hard and force myself to starve. Well, I don't mean starve, but stay really hungry.

Don't let anybody tell you that you don't have to be hungry to lose weight. You do. You have to go to bed hungry every night to make it happen. You have to do it night after night. You have to keep at it day in and day out, especially on the days when it doesn't seem to work at all, days when you actually GAIN weight. Yup. That happened to me several times.

It's all well and good to read about these people who lose tremendous amounts in a short time, but I am not one of them. I don't think most people are. It's lonely and unfair. It does eventually happen, though.

Total loss for one month (28 days): 4 pounds
ALL THAT EFFORT for only four pounds? Many would never ever guess that the total loss would be that small.

But I am not surprised. I am a veteran of diets. For me, a pound a week is pretty good. So if I want to lose the rest of the ten, it will take another six weeks.

Ugh.

On the other hand, what else am I doing?

Why do I care? When will I reach an age where I don't care?

I don't know. I just know I still care.

I also know if I start relaxing and increase my calories, the weight will jump back on. I worked too hard to let that happen.
Let this chronicle stand as a scientific case study of how a month of calorie counting will work. I am five feet six and a half. I'm not going to give up.

I am, however, going to take a blog break for a while. I've been saving bloopers, so I will be back when I feel the urge. Thanks for staying with me. I'm wearing a new pair of jeans and they feel good. love to all,
becky

Day 28

2009-10-18T19:58:00.002-04:00

And so in a spirit of muted celebration I have arrived at the last day. I can't believe it and I wish I could say it flew by. It did not. It dragged. I wish I had the patience of Julia Child, or of Meryl Streep (shown here auditioning with a new partner for Dancing With the Stars), so that I could have cooked some yummy consoling dishes for my hunger. But I did not. I am a sluggard in the domestic arts and will always choose something easy. I will post here tomorrow or the next day on my final weight and my final thoughts on the whole experiment. Fingers crossed for my final weigh-in.

Breakfast: The Usual 290

Lunch: WW Santa Fe Hamster Fillets 330

Dollop of Thousand Island 50

grapes 70

Dinner: slice of toast YUM 100

WW Mystery Parmesan 310

grapes 60

BreathSavers 60

TOTAL: 1270

EXERCISE: Rain and --no, it can't be true--SNOW no exercise

OPTIMISM: 9

HUNGER: 9

MAIN BITCH: our weather is not like Aruba

LITTLE VOICE: you'll never be able to keep this up.

love,

Shapely under the Drapely

Day 27

2009-10-17T21:36:00.002-04:00

Nearing the end, dear reader. At least the end of the public confessional aspect. GOD, I can hardly wait. I think I will post tomorrow night and then do a final wrap-up on Monday.

Breakfast: The Usual 290

Lunch: LC Paninni 330 (not too bad, it has an actual piece of bread in it)
grapes 70

Dinner: small serving of chicken stir fry (about one third of what I really wanted) 300
green beans with butter 40 (but I have no idea)
salad with small dollop Ken's Italian Hair Oil dressing 30
grapes 60
BreathSavers 80
TOTAL: 1200
EXERCISE: walk around Gates Pond with friends and packs of dogs
OPTIMISM: 9
HUNGER: 10 (I really wanted wine today)
MAIN BITCH: It's lonely to be hungry.
LITTLE VOICE: Your results are pitiful.
love,
Hot Tomato Studies Plato

Day 26

2009-10-16T22:35:00.003-04:00

These boots from Polyvore look just like the ones I bought today, except mine have cool ribbons in the back. I also bought a brown pair. I am stylin', baby! Anything to keep from thinking about food.

Breakfast: The Usual 290

Lunch: LC Hyena Meat with Medallions of Laughter 270
grapes 60
one string cheese 80

Dinner: slice of toast YYYYUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMM 100
WW Slimeballs with Tylenol Sauce 270
grapes 60
fudgcicle 60
BreathSavers 60

TOTAL: 1250
EXERCISE: hard horse farm walk
OPTIMISM: 8
HUNGER: 10 (assuaged by boot purchase)
MAIN BITCH: can't eat boots
LITTLE VOICE: it isn't working.
love,
Willowy in the Pillowy (?)

Day 25

2009-10-15T20:31:00.002-04:00

"Tis a lovely season just now with heartstopping foliage. I like yellow the best. I feel like eating it. But then I feel like eating the telephone too.
I can't wait for this to be over.

Dinner: WW Chicken Santa Fe With an Odd Taste 270
one half of leftover chicken breast 200
Dollop of Paul Newman Elixir 50
grapes 60

Lunch: WW Hamster Meat 300
small portion of leftover chicken breast 120
grapes 60

Breakfast: The Usual 290
fudgcicle: 60
BreathSavers 60

TOTAL: 1460 gosh, it didn't seem like that much--rats
EXERCISE: 3 hours of weightlifting hahahahaha
horse farm walk 2 miles
OPTIMISM: 6
HUNGER: 10
MAIN BITCH: dieting is lonely
LITTLE VOICE: all for naught

love,
Feckless Beckless

Day 24

2009-10-14T19:34:00.003-04:00

I want to know how the celebrities get so thin and stay that way. Do they hire an armed guard for the kitchen? A knife-wielding individual who stands sentry at the refrigerator?

IS THAT YOU, MRS. MOTEW?

YES IT IS, CABANA BOY.

GO AHEAD AND TURN ON THE LIGHT, MA'AM.

I LIKE IT IN THE DARK, CABANA BOY.

YOU CAN'T COME IN HERE NOW. YOU KNOW THAT.

MAYBE WE COULD MAKE A LITTLE EXCEPTION. JUST BETWEEN US ADULTS.

NO NOW, MA'AM, YOU SAID YOU WOULDN'T PAY ME IF I LET YOU IN HERE.

I JUST WANT TO CHECK TO SEE IF THE ROAD KILL IS THAWED.

AW NOW, MA'AM.

The secret is not to bring the stuff into the house, of course, everybody knows that.

And so I have not.

My house is Old Mother Hubbard bare. There ain't nothin' here but a few erasers and paper clips. Go ahead and put a little pinch between your cheek and gum. Mmmmm, savor that good
zinc oxide metal taste that says "somebody loves ya."

Breakfast: The Usual 290

Lunch: Jumbo hot dog furtively ingested behind computer screen at college 170
one string cheese wolfed down 80
grapes 60 (the last of the good crisp ones)

Dinner: Cold chicken breast, rather large, does anyone want to challenge me? See this letter opener? Go ahead and tell me I can't have the chicken. 500
can asbestos-flavored green beans 60
one Empire apple 60
BreathSavers 60

TOTAL: 1280 unless I made a mathemetical error. Does anyone want to challenge me? I SAID DOES ANYONE WANT TO CHALLENGE ME? Okay then.
OPTIMISM: 8
HUNGER: 10
EXERCISE: Walked to my friend's house and walked back here. 2 miles We lamented state of the world and discussed possibility of cutting off limbs to facilitate good weight loss.
MAIN BITCH: It's all so FREAKING SLOW.
LITTLE VOICE: You will fail.
love,
Toxic Waist

Day 23

2009-10-13T20:32:00.004-04:00

Yum--eraser meat! That's what some of this stuff tastes like in the frozen dinners, at least after a few weeks. I keep thinking about that research project at Tufts. How is it different from any "reduced calorie diet"? I mean really? That's what any diet is, isn't it? The depressing part is that your body doesn't want to do it. Your body can be horsewhipped into it, of course, as mine is being now. But next week? And the weeks after? When no one is watching me and I don't have to record this stuff? Then I might gain a whole bunch of weight really fast and be worse off than when I started. That's why some people say dieting is a trap.

By the way, a mousetrap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

Breakfast: The Usual 290

Lunch: WW Santa Fe Eraser Meat 330
grapes 50
Dollop of Thousand Island 50 (so tasty!)

Dinner: Lean Cuisine Ginger Glazed Eraser Meat 270
can green beans 60 Everybody now! YUCK!
2 slices deli ham 70
Dollop Paul Newman raspberry carburetor fluid 60
fudgcicle 60 mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
BreathSAvers 60

TOTAL: 1300
EXERCISE: Not rainy but rainlike and my hair looked so good....a rare no on this
OPTIMISM: 7
HUNGER: 9
MAIN BITCH: Nothing good ever lasts.
LITTLE VOICE: You are a no good slacker.
love,
Dove (Bar) Love

Day 22-----Weigh-In

2009-10-12T20:12:00.002-04:00

Tra la, tra la, I lost a pound! My grand total is THREE AND A HALF POUNDS! Now in some ways that doesn't seem like much for all this time. But I felt much thinner today. I wore a pair of jeans that I couldn't get into a few weeks ago.

Oh yeah right. HAHAHAHAHA. These are so-called Brazil fashion jeans--can you even imagine? Also the belly button jangly heart is not my first choice. If I wore that, first of all, it would be obscured by roll of fat; second, it would immediately catch on protruding screw or nail or some other errant hardware and rip me a new navel (a bit of a variation on what is normally ripped new)

The point is, though, I felt thinner today for the first time. It goes to show that, as my mother always said, it's always darkest before the dawn, yesterday being very dark.
Also I had real food today. I baked chicken breasts and ate a whole one.

May I say from my heart YYYYYYYYYYYUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMMM! I needed that! . Check out this article from the NYT about reduced-calorie scientific experiment--I think I should be in it!
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/10/11/magazine/11Calories-t.html?pagewanted=1&em
Let's check out the damage for today. Only a week to go.

Breakfast: The Usual 290

Lunch: Chicken Eraser Meat with Ginger 280
one string cheese 80
1/2 honeydew melon 60

Dinner: One divine chewy tasty, lightly salted, chicken breast from heaven 450
can green beans 60
one apple 60
two tbsps. Paul Newman elixir of youth raspberry vinaigrette 60

TOTAL: 1340 OOPS make that 1400 with BreathSavers
EXERCISE: walk around Gates Pond, 2 or 3 miles
OPTIMISM: 10.5
HUNGER: 10
MAIN BITCH: none
LITTE VOICE: You are a freaking genius!
love,
Sweet 'n Low

Day 21

2009-10-11T20:18:00.003-04:00

I feel so bad for Johnny P. We still love ya, boy! Next year! And then the Pats lost in overtime. Why can they never beat Denver? It PISSES ME OFF. I'd like to see John Elway eat a Weight Watchers turkey and hamster dinner.

Some days are just bad.

Breakfast: The Usual 290

Lunch: one jumbo hot dog 170
ketchup 40
one string cheese 80
grapes 80
May I say that I was very hungry about twenty minutes after lunch.....I think I am moving into an intense hunger period. I've said this before, but if I were not publicly committed to this blog, I would be wavering right now. I'd be deep inside a pint of Ben&Jerry's.

Dinner: WW Swedish Meatballs -- YUCK, WORST EVER with a sickening smell. I even wondered if it was spoiled. It didn't stop me from eating it, though.
can of green beans 60
Dollop of Thousand Island 60
slice of toast 100
fudgcicle 60
BreathSavers 60

TOTAL: 1000
EXERCISE: walk one mile to friend's house, watch Red Sox, walk home despondently
OPTIMISM: 10
HUNGER: 10 Hunger was pretty bad today. I felt like Oliver Twist begging for more gruel.
MAIN BITCH: Sports teams could at least do their part to make me happy.
LITTLE VOICE: It isn't working.
love,
Ravishing Radish

Day 20

2009-10-10T20:24:00.003-04:00

I am very proud to have reached Day 20. I feel like I've been doing this forever. Any person who tells you to do a "quick month" of dieting, is out of their mind. Look at this article I just found from November 2008. It doesn't surprise me.

Washington (dbTechno) - Nestle has announced that they have recalled Lean Cuisine frozen chicken meals due to the fact that many of the meals have pieces of hard plastic in them.
Overall, Nestle has been forced to recall 879,565 pounds of their Lean Cuisine frozen chicken meals.
Customers have been complaining about the small pieces of hard plastic found in the food.
It has also said to have already caused one injury due to the plastic being consumed.
Nestle is urging consumers to check their freezers to see if they have any of the recalled products.
If they have any questions they are also being urged to call the company.

Yeah, yeah, call the company and if they don't answer, have coffee and wait for them to call you back.
Breakfast: The Usual 290

Lunch: LC hard plastic chicken strips with pipe cleaners in tomato sauce 330
grapes 60

8 oz. wine 180 YYYYYYYYYUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEE!

Dinner: LC hard plastic Salisbury Scotch tape 220
wedge of canteloupe 60
BreathSavers 60
TOTAL: 1200
EXERCISE: Delightful stroll around Gates Pond with friend
OPTIMISM: 9
HUNGER: 9
MAIN BITCH: One glass of wine does not satisfy hunger
LITTLE VOICE: Your total weight loss is going to be small.
love,
Foxy Loxy with no Bagel

Day 19

2009-10-09T19:13:00.002-04:00

Tacos were on the menu tonight and I had my own 300 calorie version. It was tasty, but I missed sour cream and the apple crisp and all the rest of it. My computer has a nasty virus and I am not at home right now.
Breakfast: The Usual 280

Lunch: LC breast of wolverine with hamster gravy 310

Dinner: Taco without shell 300
Plain salad with meager spoonful Ken's PitifulItalian 60

Lots of tiny bites of things, including sour cream, ice cream, apple crisp 200 *harsh

TOTAL: 1250
EXERCISE: couldn't leave house because on phone with Verizon Dragon Lady
OPTIMISM: 8
HUNGER: 9
MAIN BITCH: It never gets easier.
LITTLE VOICE: Something will go wrong soon.
love,
Losing Not Boozing

Day 18

2009-10-08T20:46:00.003-04:00

Do you suppose anybody has this on their bulletin board as inspiration? Not me. Here is closer to mine:

Good grief. Marilyn would be sent to a fat farm these days.

Breakfast: The Usual 190

Lunch: one jumbo hot dog, nuked up, very tasty 170
one chunk mozzarella cheese 200
grapes 80

1 fudgcicle 60
Dinner: WW carburetor fillet with spark plug medley 280
dollop of parmesan 50 (dregs from bottom of container, not much there)
can green beans 60
Enormous Assemblage of canteloupe, honeydew, dollop of Paul Newman's elixir of sexual potency, or I guess it could have been raspberry vinaigrette 280
BreathSavers 60

TOTAL: 1170
EXERCISE: hard horse farm walk, but with bad attitude
OPTIMISM: 6 (illegally weighed myself and gained half a pound)
HUNGER: 9 (if I weren't committed publicly to this, I'd have been into the chardonnay)
MAIN BITCH: fantasy of Ben&Jerry surpassing fantasy of Johnny Depp
LITTLE VOICE: It works for everyone else except you.
Have to get going so I can mail a sandwich to Keira.
love,
Slender on a Bender

Day 17

2009-10-07T21:42:00.000-04:00

Shown here are fresh green beans, which I do not eat. They are far too much trouble. Don't forget, I am one who gnaws on a raw hot dog behind the computer screen in my classroom. I am sure my college girls would be appalled. They are so nice and write essays about cleaning, believe it or not. One of them said if your bathroom is clean, you can feel proud to be alive. I admire her spirit. I don't mean to be sexist. I mean to praise her.

Breakfast: Yoplait 120
2 mugs coffee 160

Lunch: jumbo hot dog 170
chunk of mozzarella cheese, yum yum yummy! 120
grapes 80

Dinner: LC eraser meat with rubber bands in a nice Tylenol sauce 310
half honeydew melon 80
Big Pile of veggies garnished with dollop of Paul Newman's raspberry vinaigrette 80
Okay, two dollops, but they were modest add 20
Am skipping the fudgcicle tonight because I feel bloated and fat for no reason. Just sometimes you feel this way. I'll bet if I got on the scale right now, I would see a big gain. That would send me right out onto the roof with a rifle (there's a book title for ya).

TOTAL: 1140 See? I could have the fudgcicle. But I'm too freaking tired to go downstairs and get it. And I have to get up at 6am to hear weird excuses from students about why they have missed class. I wish I could share them, but cannot.
OPTIMISM: 7
HUNGER: 9
EXERCISE: rain
MAIN BITCH: Clothes feel about the same.
LITTLE VOICE: It's not working.
love,
Trimbo the Bimbo

Day 16

2009-10-06T20:50:00.002-04:00

Kind of a blah hungry day. Breakfast: The Usual, do I have to say? 280

Lunch: LC hyena meat with rice 210
Dollop of Thousand Island (couldn't live without my dollops) 50
Grapes 80

Dinner: WW Salisbury Steak (Think eraser from the top of your desk, just change it to brown and put gravy on it) 200
Humongous Pile of Absolutely No-Cal Vegetables 0
Slathering of raspberry vinaigrette (slightly more than dollop)
-- thanks, Paul Newman, rip 70
fudgcicle 60
BreathSavers 60

TOTAL: 1010
OPTIMISM: 9
HUNGER: 9
MAIN BITCH: Everybody else can lose weight except me
LITTLE VOICE: You are no good and worthless

love, can't talk, my computer is fkced up
Hot Fudge Won't Budge

Day 15: Weigh-In

2009-10-05T19:04:00.002-04:00

Okay, here it is---ta dah!! One pound! Yaay! One pound? That's right and I'm glad for it. Total loss in two weeks? Two and one half pounds! That's 2.5 to the good and I'll take it. Tomorrow I will start bitching about it, of course.

Breakfast: Greek blueberry yogurt (mixed them together today--yaay) 120
2 mugs coffee with HH 160

Lunch: 1 jumbo hot dog 170 (eaten raw at my desk furtively)
chunk of mozzarella cheese 200 ( I think)
grapes 100

Dinner: WW chicken parm--it's okay--310
sprinkling of parmesan cheese 80
can green beans 60
one peach 50
3 small dollops raspberry vinaigrette 70

TOTAL: 1150
EXERCISE: 2 mile easy walk
EXERCISE ANECDOTE: I started walking behind an obviously overweight slow person. I couldn't tell if it was male or female, but it had a wide swinging gait, sidewinding I would have said. It was a woman and she kept getting farther and father away from me. I WAS SLOWER THAN THAT PERSON--AAAAAAARGH!
OPTIMISM: 9
HUNGER: 8
MAIN BITCH: See exercise anecdote
LITTLE VOICE: That is all you are going to lose

Blooper in Boston Globe:

red sox quiz
Test your rivarly knowledge

Also Red Sox starting pitcher Jon Lester boarding bus for Anaheim and ALDS. Stopping off for Secret Service training prior to game, but will have to lose Little Mermaid necklace first.

love,
Curvy 'n Swervy

Day 14

2009-10-04T20:24:00.002-04:00

YEAH, BABY! Tommy Boy back in old form today, we're happy to see. 12 is my lucky number too.

Wish I could only eat 12 of these:

I still can't believe they are 5 calories each. Sigh.

Breakfast: Greek blueberry yogurt 120. Today I forgot there were blueberries on the bottom and ate all the yogurt on top first. Let's give that a big "whatever."

2 mugs coffee with HH 160

Lunch: WW Santa Fe rice and beans ----getting really sick of this 310

Dollop of Thousand Island dressing 50

Grapes 70

Dinner: WW wood shavings with gruel 210

can green beans 60

one peach 80

aforementioned Breath Savers 60

fudgcicle 60

TOTAL: 1060 (making up for lasagna yesterday)

EXERCISE: two mile easy walk. I wore a long sleeved shirt and was so sweaty and uncomfortable that I stopped at my friend's house to relax. No one was home so I sat there in the breezeway, crossed my legs, looked around, acted like I was at a party, but all by myself. Another strange part of the day.

OPTIMISM: 10 very hopeful

HUNGER: 10 envious of other humans

MAIN BITCH: I don't look good in flats, but losing my desire for high heels (non-diet related)

LITTLE VOICE: No one else dresses up at work any more. Get with it.

love,

Leaner but Much Meaner

Day 13

2009-10-03T21:10:00.003-04:00

Today was fairly normal, but I had a social evening. I was forced to eat at a table with other adults. I had no choice. Not only that, but dinner was rather late and I very nearly had to gnaw off my own arm while waiting. I did the best I could, but I believe I had the equivalent of two servings of lasagna. I couldn't help it. It was that or slit my throat.

Breakfast: Greek yogurt 120
2 mugs coffee with large helping of HH 160

Lunch: WW fish with parmesan something or other, it's got a funny taste 310
small shake of grated Parmesan cheese 50
grapes 60

Dinner: 2 servings heavenly lasagna 800 [cringing]
plain salad with two tbsps. diet dressing 70
BreathSavers 60
TOTAL: 1630 (I went over for the day by 130. I am not going to beat myself up over this.)
EXERCISE: raining like a bastard
OPTIMISM: 9
HUNGER: 6 (I skipped the brownies and the garlic bread, and I want CREDIT for it)
MAIN BITCH: I get so hungry I feel powerless in a social situation
LITTLE VOICE: You are a no good slacker.
Love,
Twiggy Gettin' Jiggy

Day 12

2009-10-02T21:24:00.002-04:00

This was one of those days I didn't plan for. I didn't go over, okay? I didn't breach the limit. But it wasn't on the schedule. You will see why.

I am going to see my namesake Molly Rebecca tomorrow, and I am bringing food. I cooked that food tonight. As I cooked, I relaxed and drank alcoholic beverages. I played the radio. I danced.

It was fun.

I still want to eat 20 fudgcicles in a day, but this was good.

Breakfast: Yoplait yogurt 100
2 mugs of coffee with massive HH 160

Lunch: WW Santa Fe rice and beans 310
grapes 80
Dollop of Thousand Island dressing, because it tastes so much better 60

Dinner: Alcoholic beverages 619

TOTAL: 1329

EXERCISE: 2 mile hard walk [horses like me]
OPTIMISM: 10 {illegally weighed myself again, one pound loss]
HUNGER: assuaged by alcoholic buzz
MAIN BITCH: too many papers to grade
LITTLE VOICE: You are an old hag.

love,
Sexy with the Hexy

Day 11

2009-10-01T22:02:00.002-04:00

I wouldn't mind eating an entire day of these. Let's see. They are 60 calories. So I could eat 20 of them and stay within my limit.
Ten before lunch or maybe five before lunch and then 15 after. Oh wait, there wouldn't BE lunch, just fudgcicles. I might consider this.

Breakfast: Wallaby yogurt 140
1 mug coffee with HH 80

Lunch: LC penne pollo 300
grapes 120
Generous sprinkle of Parmesan cheese (think dust storm) 60

Dinner: WW turkey and mashed potatoes (the very worst imaginable frozen dinner ever) 210
Huge Freaking Pile of Broccoli garnished with French salad dressing 100
fudgcicle 60
Breathsavers 60

TOTAL: 1050

EXERCISE: 2 miles walk past horse farm
OPTIMISM: 7
HUNGER: 9
MAIN BITCH: no change in weight (I illegally weighed myself today, bad mistake)
LITTLE VOICE: It's definitely not working.
Love,
Wicked Witch of 495

Day 10 and STOP THE PRESSES!

2009-09-30T21:33:00.003-04:00

For something far more important than any diet, see below. Meanwhile,

Breakfast: Yoplait 100

2 mugs of coffee doused with HH 160

Lunch: Raw hot dog furtively consumed behind a computer screen at the college 170

grapes 80

Dinner: WW something or other 280

canteloupe 100

can green beans 60

BreathSavers and fudgcicle 120

TOTAL: 1080

EXERCISE: It was raining, I swear!

OPTIMISM: 9

HUNGER: 7

MAIN BITCH: feeling trapped in a cage

LITTLE VOICE: You're a fool.

And now, may I present Molly Rebecca Motew: ain't she sweet?

love,

Grandma Madonna

Day 9

2009-09-29T18:43:00.002-04:00

Breakfast: Wallaby yogurt 140
one mug coffee with giant HH 100

Lunch: one hot dog 170

one slice toast 100

ketchup 60

grapes 80

Din: LC chicken with spinach, kind of nasty 280
one slice toast 100
grapes 60
BreathSavers 60

Fudgcicle 60

TOTAL: 1210

OPTIMISM: 9

HUNGER: 8

MAIN BITCH: can't plan trip on five-day Columbus Day weekend because of commitment to diet.

LITTLE VOICE: It's not working.
love,
Sleek Up the Creek

Day 8----Weigh-In

2009-09-28T18:30:00.004-04:00

Okay, so it's not a huge loss. A pound and a half. Part of me is disappointed. But I already know from experience that it works this way. And hey. This is a case study. If it shows that I can't lose weight, then that's what it shows. What I really hate is when somebody tries to tell you why it doesn't seem to be working. Oh well, you're drinking diet soda. That could be why. AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! Enough of this. Yaaaay, I am a pound and a half lower than I was a week ago (two pounds lower than that day I illegally weighed myself....)

Breakfast: Greek yogurt 110

Coffee with HH 160

Lunch: one raw hot dog (my students were appalled) 170

extra large bunch of grapes 120

The whole thing made me kind of sick. Since I forgot to buy ham this week, I will have to have the same thing again on Wednesday.

Din:

WW Santa Fe Rice and Beans 300

delicious can of corn 220

Crisp Empire apple 60

BreathSavers 60

Fudgcicle 60

TOTAL: 1360

EXERCISE: 2 mile easy walk

OPTIMISM: 8

HUNGER: 8.5

MAIN BITCH: lonely and meaningless life without food

LITTLE VOICE SAYS: It's not working.

love,

Mrs. Sprat on the Lo-Fat

Day 7

2009-09-27T19:51:00.002-04:00

I gots to tell you, dear reader, I'm getting a little sick of these. But tomorrow is my weigh-in day and I'm excited for that. Plus the grapes at Hannaford's this week are superb, as mentioned earlier, so that is consoling me. Plus the new thrill of fudgcicles. 21 days to go.

Breakfast: Greek yogurt 110
Coffee with HH 160

Lunch: LC hunan beef, or as I call it, hyena beef or human beef 260
grapes 100
fudgcicle 60

Din: WW Santa Fe rice and beans--best of brand--300
Big Pile of Stuff, including one can green beans 70
watermelon 100 (I think)
Big Dollop of Paul Newman's (RIP) raspberry vinaigrette 100
(Burl Ives played the Big Dollop role in Catfood on a Hot Tin Roof)

Breath Savers 60 or more

Let's count this up and see if I have room for one more fudgie before bed. 1320--YES!
TOTAL: 1380
EXERCISE: rain today, no exercise, such a luxury
OPTIMISM: 10 (but nervous for tomorrow)
HUNGER: pretty high
MAIN BITCH: Life seems dull.
love,
Skinny Ginny

Day 6

2009-09-26T21:18:00.002-04:00

This is what I wanted to have at the movies tonight. But I did not.

We saw BRIGHT STAR, an "art" film. It was beautiful and artistic and I applaud the making of it. But boy oh boy, could I imagine some people I know not liking it. The actor who plays John Keats is very cute, so it was enjoyable all around.

Breakfast: Greek yogurt 110
2 coffees with mucho HH 160

Lunch: WW chicken parmesan--not too bad except the chicken tastes like a foam rubber mattress. 290
one slice toast 100 (don't ask)
grapes 60

Hurried dinner before the movies: LC penne pollo (best of brand) 300
sprinkling of grated parmesan 80

Snack after the movies: 2 fudgcicles 120
Breathsavers 60
TOTAL: 1280
EXERCISE: walk around Gates Pond with friend--solve world problems but not my own
OPTIMISM: 10
HUNGER: intense
MAIN BITCH: none today, fun at a yard sale
Love,
Curvy Minervy

Day 5

2009-09-25T19:06:00.003-04:00

You are looking at 83 calories worth of merlot.

I slugged this down and another one just like it. Yes, it is a Campbell's Soup Kid cup. My mother gave me two of them many years ago and I like to drink from it. I almost never use a wine glass. I have low-class habits. They are comforting to me. Wine glasses are hard to get clean.

Anyway, I made the merlot last as long as I could, dear reader. Friday Zest all around.

Breakfast: Stonyfield yogurt 130

2 mugs coffee with HH dollops 160

Lunch: Weight Watchers Santa Fe Rice and Beans (best of the brand) with small dollop of Thousand Island dressing.......440

bunch of grapes 60

I grocery shopped at Hannaford's today and the grapes are superb, a rare occurrence.

Dinner: Lean Cuisine hunan beef (not human) 230

1 cup watermelon 100

small dollop Paul Newman raspberry vinaigrette, may he rest in peace, 60

big bunch of grapes 100

BreathSavers 60

Wine 170

TOTAL FOR DAY: 1510

EXERCISE: Easy walk 2 miles

OPTIMISM: 10

HUNGER: assuaged by wine buzz

MAIN BITCH: acorns falling on my head during walk

love,

Trim Jim

Day 4

2009-09-24T20:12:00.002-04:00

Ah, a tender stalk of luscious celery, bursting with the taste of PRETTY MUCH JUST WATER AND ALSO THAT GARDEN-Y TASTE THAT ISN'T A BIT SATISFYING! Not only that, all those little watery underground strings get caught in your teeth like green dental floss.

It's a very bad bad bad idea to get on the scale when you're on a plan like this one. The body has its own mysterious way of doing things. It's plotting and scheming about how to keep its weight, for one thing. It's not going to give anything up until it has to.

What I'm trying to say is, I did the bad bad bad thing today and got on the scale. Official weigh-in is on Monday, but I got on today. I'm a half pound more than when I started, dear reader. I'm trying to take it in stride. It means nothing. It's a weird hormonal fluke. I'm not going postal. I'm not out on my roof yelling SOMEONE MUST DIE!

Breakfast: Stonyfield Yogurt 130
2 big mugs of coffee and half-and-half dollops 160

Lunch: Weight Watchers Angel Hair Pasta--not my favorite--230
Slice of toast--- 100

Dinner: Lean Cuisine penne pollo or whatever the fk it is 330
Big Pile of Stuff, including can of green beans 70
canteloupe and honeydew medley 150
Dollop of Paul Newman's raspberry vinagrette, may he rest in peace 100
Breath Savers 60 (at least)

TOTAL: 1330
EXERCISE: 10 miles hard jogging HAHAHAHA just wanted to see if you were paying attention
2 miles up heartbreak hill walking
OPTIMISM: 9
HUNGER: not too bad
MAIN BITCH: Salad dressing should not count.

Day 3

2009-09-23T20:01:00.002-04:00

Yeah, right. I'm still highly motivated, so this picture does nothing to me. NOTHING, I TELL YOU!
Here's what I'd rather have:

Let's hear that again: YEAH, RIGHT!

Breakfast: Libertee Yogurt: 250 calories! Yikes! This stuff is wicked delicious, though.

2 big mugs of coffee with half and half dollops----my favorite writing drink 160

Lunch: one jumbo hot dog --- 180
grapes ----- 100
string cheese ---- 80

Dinner: WW scummy frozen entree with some kind of vegetable strips that are hard to chew and may break one of my crowns: 260
one can of peas --- 210 and YUMMY----mushy mushy mushy
Dear reader, you are getting a full dose of my low-class eating habits. You don't think I'm going to cook, do you?
BreathSavers: 60 (at least)
TOTAL: 1300

EXERCISE: 2-mi easy walk
OPTIMISM: 10
HUNGER: inching higher
love,
Svelta from the Delta

Day 2

2009-09-22T20:25:00.002-04:00

Here's a nice picture of what I won't be having for the next few weeks--Eggs Benedict.
I am hungry, but okay. The thing I don't like is not having anything to look forward to. Now would be a good time to get totally into nail care or crosswords. Of course I'm always into crosswords, so that's nothing special. Here's today's report.

Breakfast:
Greek Yogurt (never heard of it but it's pretty good) 120
One big cup of coffee with giant dollop of half and half 80
200 total

Lunch:
Weight Watchers sweet & sour chicken--okay-- 300
grapes, 1 cup 80
one string cheese 80

460 total

Dinner:
Lean Cuisine hunan beef something or other--not bad -- 260
Big Pile of Stuff, including
one can green beans 60
mixed fruit 100
big dollop of raspberry vinaigrette on top (this is the Dollop Diet) 100

520 Total

Extras: Breath Savers 60

TOTAL FOR DAY: 1240 (a bit low--I should drive out to get a popcicle, but too tired)
EXERCISE: hard walk up Heartbreak Hill by horse farm 2 miles
OPTIMISM QUOTIENT: 10
HUNGER: Quite hungry, wondering how I'm going to make it 26 more days.
love from the fat farm,
becky

Day 1

2009-09-21T18:30:00.002-04:00

Breakfast:
Yoplait yogurt ---- 180 cals
2 cups coffe w/half and half --160 cals (I pour on the white stuff)

340 cals

Lunch:
2 slices deli ham --200 cals (this may be high)
one string cheese -- 80
Bunch of grapes, approx. one cup--- 60

340 cals

Dinner:
Lean Cuisine -- 330
can green beans -- 60
dollop of raspberry vinaigrette -- 100
bunch of grapes -- 60
mixed fruit -- 100
650 cals

TOTAL: 1330
I plan to have a 70 calorie fudgcicle. PLUS I learned today that those little BreathSaver goobers, you know the ones? I thought they were zero calories. They are FIVE EACH. I consume at least one pack a day and probably closer to two. At max that is another 120, bringing me to 1520 on the day. Not bad.

EXERCISE: 2 miles walking
OPTIMISM QUOTIENT: 10 out of 10----BRING IT, BABY!
HUNGER: Very High but see Optimism Quotient

Time for Action

2009-09-19T10:36:00.003-04:00

Okay then, here we go. I am sick of addressing the scale. The little bastard.

I am taking charge.

I am making a plan.

Ten pounds need to be gone. If those pounds are listening, they should be very afraid.

Here's how I'm going to do it. I start tomorrow, Monday. I weigh myself on Mondays. 1500 calores a day, give or take. I'm not going to be obsessive about it and set myself up for failure. What I am going to do is use this blog to motivate myself. Every day I am going to post what passes my lips (as my mother used to say). Anything I eat or drink has to be divulged. No lying. I promise.

1500 calores and two miles of walking. Wine allowed once a week in moderation. Those are the rules. This will be a four-week endeavor. A four-week blitz. Either I will lose the weight or I will lose some of the weight or I will have the mean=spirited pleasure of proving that all this dieting bullshit we read everywhere is wrong. Are we ready, dear reader?

What always kills me is restaurant eating. I think I have successfully gotten rid of any potential restaurant outings. There are no parties coming up and no events that I can think of.

We will call my weight X for now. We start tomorrow. This picture was taken today and you can't really see the fleshy part of me, but it is there.

Tune in tomorrow, dear reader.

We'll see how it goes.